Monday, January 28, 2008


I couldn't not document this moment.

After the speech, Bush walked up the aisle signing programs with a Sharpie. I have a couple of questions...

1) Who provided the Sharpie? Did the president pull it off the podium as he stepped down? Did he have an aide stationed at the end of the row who provided him with the Sharpie?

2) Do congresspeeps or representatives think about that kind of thing going into the speech? Do they say to their wives/husbands/children/mistresses as they walk out the door, "I'm going to have George sign my program tonight! I have a Sharpie with me! Should I bring blue or black? Or maybe red??"

3) Is that Sharpie going to wind up on eBay, or in the George W. Bush Presidential Library? Everyone knows it's one or the other.

4) I wonder if anyone lost a cap to a Sharpie and now has permanent ink all over a gorgeous, expensive, tailored suit.

Yes, I am infantile when watching serious political events that impact our future. I'm really OK with that!

The State of the Union address

Subtitle: What you're really thinking when you're watching it.

I'm watching the State of the Union address. Mainly I kept watching it because the things the analysts were saying before the actually speech started were so freaking funny, I kept it on. So here's my view of the State of the Union. And before I even write it, I'm pretty sure that this will ensure that I'm never invited to the State of the Union address. Which is fine, as long as I'm invited to the after-party.

* First, I heard Katie Couric start up because I had been watching the great shows on CBS like "How I Met Your Mother" and "Two and a Half Men." She comes on and talks about George Washington's last State of the Union address and now George W. Bush's last State of the Union address. What? Did she just try to make a comparison of the father of our country who will not tell a lie and chopped down a cherry tree to the man who probably wonders why it's not the States of the Union address? I flipped the channel.

*But not before I heard Katie say that Bush said that "there wouldn't be a lick of nostalgia" in the address. Can take the boy out of Texas, but you can't take the Texas out of the boy, I guess.

* Then I get to ABC. The guy on that channel just said, "This is the one speech of the year he really gets up for." I'm not gonna lie, that made me giggle like a 12 year old. Maybe they should have proofed that comment before the analyst read it aloud.

* An analyst on one of the above stations noted that "Clinton and Obama have not shook hands yet."

* Here's my thought, and I think it's brilliant. If I were a candidate, I would skip the State of the Union and campaign - you know where all of your opponnents would get the leg up, out there campaigning and knocking on doors.

* I also think that tonight would have been a great night for a caucus...would probably be the highest attended caucus ever...since there's nothing else on TV.

* So I flipped to NBC. And the speech started, so I didn't have an analyst to make fun of.

* Our president started the speech with the standard "Speaker of the house, vice president, members of congress, fellow citizens of the United States....blah blah blah." As he got that started, I was really hoping to hear (and this may be from seeing soo many parodies of him on late night television)..."Speaker of the house, vice president, members of congress, fellow citizens of the United States....Live from Washington D.C., it's Monday Night Live!!" And maybe stick his tongue out.

* My favorite part of the State of the Union address is when everyone stands up and sits down on cue. Makes me want yell a cheer from our high school football games that went something like "Stand up! Sit down! Fight! Fight! Fight!"

* I absolutely love watching the faces of the Veep and the Speaker of the House who get stuck sitting behind the president so you have to look at them the whole time. They are pretending not to fall asleep, to not react too sharply so their constituents get upset, and to not laugh at him.

* It's even more funny to think of all of the people there in the audience watching, knowing that at any second a camera could pan to them to get their reaction and that they could be caught picking their nose, sleeping, rolling their eyes, dropping a pen on the floor, making an origami crane. I know I would be. Or I might bring a laptop and write a blog while he's speaking. The noise of the click-clack on the keys would be similar to what the popcorn machine popping popcorn during the silence of the national anthem at a basketball game would sound like.

* One of my favorite all-time lines that a politician uses is - "And to make sure that the Constitution really means what it says." Yep, he just used it. I don't get that line. Of course it really means what it says? Would anyone take it seriously if it didn't mean what it said? It's not like the Constitution is your mom, who got pissed about you breaking a vase, and you won't admit it, so she says "Henry, if you don't tell me who broke that vase I'm gonna......." And don't you think that by now, all of these years later, someone would have figured out what the Constitution means? If not by now, I think it's too late.

* No wonder things are going bad in the Middle East...there are armies of compassion marching through there. I'm pretty sure that if we have to be other there, we should march armies of fighters through there...will probably be more effective.

Ok, enough thoughts!

Tuesday, January 22, 2008


The motherboard went out on my computer at work today. Which I initially interpreted to mean that I can no longer summon the force to be with me. What it really means is that I can't plug my keyboard in anymore because the purple thingy that you plug the purple pluggy-thingy into is loose.

At least that's what I narrowed it down to mean. All I really knew was that my keyboard didn't work anymore. I couldn't get any other keyboards to work, and the IT people couldn't get it to work. And they couldn't believe I had used my computer earlier without a problem. So the explanation I kept hearing was "the motherboard is gone."

Where does a motherboard go? Why didn't I see it leave? Why can't we just get it back?

How did I get put onto 4 different technology-related committees at work when I can't
figure out that the purple thingy is loose on the back of my computer?

So I looked up "motherboard" on Google. (See, that was my ploy to get my blog to pull up on a Google alert!!) I got a Wikipedia hit. Apparently, a motherboard is also known as a "mobo" for short.

If our IT guys had called it a "mobo" I would have probably been insulted. But I may try calling the help desk tomorrow and asking how my "mobo" is doing!

Monday, January 21, 2008

Superiority Complex Alert

While watching the Giants take down the Packers in true NFL-greatest-games style (and by the way, I called that Favre he dropped back in the pocket, I called it and I have a table full of people who may or may not have had fewer than 10 drinks to vouch for me), halftime brought about a conversation about blogs.

A friend of mine recently started a blog, and we were gathered with a group (including a Packers fan showing her green and gold pride til the very end, while I wore my 1956 Frank Gifford jersey) at a local watering hole to watch the game. The topic of conversation became "Why do people have blogs? Why do people read them? Why do you write your blog?"

For me, the answer is simple, and it's something for which I get made fun of endlessly by The Family and pretty much anyone who knows me, I like to tell stories. And I think I tell good stories! Lots of details, interesting plots, fun characters. What's not to write about?

As for why do people read my blog? Well, the answer is easy, as far as I can tell. Quite frankly, my writing is funny, engaging, interesting, informative, educational, and cultural - all in one.

And people are surprised to find out that I'm from New York?? Must be because sometimes I say an "o" funny.

(Also, by the way, Shaggy is on Jay Leno right now, and you gotta have love for a rapper wearing 1700s-era military garb. That's brave.)

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Pick a side!

* I am very excited that the Giants and the Packers are facing off in the playoffs tonight. Not because I'm particularly a diehard fan of the Giants (I grew up in NY, have always liked the Giants, but developed a Bucs loyalty in Tampa when they still had those horrible orange jerseys with that weird Johnny Depp-like pirate logo where the thing looks like it has a rose in it's mouth - very tough for a football player to wear), but I live in St. Paul, Minnesota, the crossroads of Packer and Vikings fans. Everything around here is colored yellow ("gold") and purple or green. If you wander into the wrong bar on a Sunday you will see a bunch of people with fake cheese on their heads stand up and mimic an official as they yell "And that's another Green Bay Packers' FIRST DOWN!" then sit down and cheer. So when you live in that environment, and you don't really care one way or the other for either take advantage of your chance to be obnoxious back. And I have a 1956 World Champions New York Football Giants #16 Frank Giffford (the MVP that year) throw-back jersey to wear. So my first and primary goal for today is to find a bunch of Packers fans to watch the game with. I aim high for entertainment on Sunday afternoons when the temperature drops below zero.

* The midwestern Packers/Vikings color scheme is very convenient and cheap for branding, you can buy everything in yellow, and print in one color, depending on the team. Must be how they save money for all of that beer and cheese.

* The New York Rangers are on NBC today for the NHL game of the week. It's a day of watching my favorite winter New York teams play! Go G-men! Go Rangers!

* Does anyone know where Obama stands on anything? I haven't heard him say anything of substance yet. Hmmm.

* Last night I went to BW3s at about 11:00 p.m. Normally, BW3s is pretty slow on Friday or Saturday night at that time...but when we walked in, it was hoppin' and there was only 1 table left in the corner. As we snagged it, we saw that the fuss was about the pay-per-view Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) title bout between BJ Penn and Joe Stevenson. We happened to walk in just as they were taking to the octagon, so we saw the whole thing! Wahoo. And then there were some other fights. Two more, if I remember correctly. Here's a recap of what you, too, could have seen for about $487 on pay-per-view (slight exaggeration):

** Bouts are in five-minute rounds, FYI. (I learned that last night.)

** The first bout, the guy who ultimately won - Penn - knocked Stevenson onto the mat in about 4 seconds, and they basically laid on the floor hugging for five minutes. One time, Penn swung at Stevenson's forehead with his elbow and created a blood geyser in the dead center of his forehead. Cool. But basically they just hugged and spooned on the floor for five minutes. Exciting. I can't believe people can actually commentate that. Then the fight ended about 2 minutes or so into the second round when Penn turned Stevenson's head purple. Well, purple and red, cause blood was everywhere. Cool again.

** I can't figure out how you hire announcers for this support. "Look, he's holding him on the ground!" "Look, he's holding him tighter!" "Ohhh, they are slippery, all covered in blood!" "He's holding him again!" "OH, he got away!" "Oh, he caught him again!" Apparently, stuff was happening - enough to write an article about it, read the story about the title bout. It's kinda funny to read.

** Then, in an attempt to make everyone believe they were at a WWE event instead of UFC...the guy who lost the title belt when he was suspended for taking nandrolone came into the ring and trash-talked the new champion.

** Joe Rogan does post-bout interviews and color commentary. Yes, THAT Joe Rogan. I didn't know that. Apparently he has been doing it forever. Or ten years. Whichever is longer. He's pretty much a tool.

** The second bout lasted about 19 seconds. No joke. I think one guy tripped the other and he bruised his hammy. Done. Champion crowned.

** The third bout lasted 1:30. No joke. One guy held the other down. The other got away. Then he hit the crap out of the first guy's head and an official wearing rubber gloves stepped in to stop him. No fun there.

** The ring official wears rubber gloves. That's funny.

** Yes, I definitely see why people pay $487 to see that. Or go to BW3s and buy a $4.75 beer and watch it instead. Or accidentally walk into and watch it without knowing it's happening.

* I did find a new name to add to my favorite athlete names list, which currently consists mainly of Mika Hakkinen, Kimi Raikkonen, and Temu Selanne. Check this one out, and say it out loud: Alessio "Legionarivs" Sakara .

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree...

Well, I finally took my first-ever Christmas tree down this week, but not without much sadness. I also put away my wreath, stockings, table decorations, rotating musical ceremic Christmas tree, mugs with angels on them, and wrapping paper. Booo.

Many of you may remember the great purchase that was my Christmas tree. The Parents did drive the tree up to me this summer! So it was well worth the $17.25.

And this is what my tree looked like without the lights on:

And this is my tree WITH the lights on and no flash:

And this is my tree WITH the lights on and with the flash:

Until I took these pictures, I didn't realize that my tree was crooked. Sad. Next year I'm putting it up, taking pictures, and straightening it based on those pictures.

But I was very happy to have my first Christmas tree up! I can't wait til next November to put it up again!

Premiere of Season XVIIXNIV of American Idol Tonight!

Ok, I got a little confused between the Super Bowl and American Idol...but similar excitement level! Plus, I never actually know what Super Bowl is being played because, seriously, who in the world can read Roman numerals? And I think it's actually only season 7 of Idol...not XVIIXNIV, which I think is officially infinity.

But if anyone wants to talk to me between 8/7 Central and 10/9 Central will have to come to my apartment and be quiet in between commercials. I will be taping tomorrow's show, since I have to work, but I'll give you warning as to when I'm watching it so you won't bother me.

Just think, another season of amazing singers, stunningly horrific individuals, sappy stories about lost dogs/baby daughters/forgotten dads/broken down trucks on the way to auditions/missed college finals/fired-from-jobs-for-auditioning/broke because of buying the bus ticket to get the point! I can't wait!

Friday, January 11, 2008

It's all in the name

Every single celebrity in the world has a "line" now. For some, it's a line of coke. For others, it's a line of kitchen utensils, clothing, perfume, lotion, ice cream, sneakers, heels, dolls, you name it, there's a celebrity line of it.

It's gone beyond the "Air Jordan" sneakers...but that was probably the real start of this.

It used to be that people who actually knew something about the product or product line were behind the line. They themselves actually studied, analyzed, researched, earned degrees in whatever it was they were making and selling with their name on it. Now, you just have to have the name flashy enough to have your own line. And you go to "your" testing facility twice before the unveiling to make sure that you can actually tolerate the smell or taste or look enough to wear/eat/hold your own product in a commercial.

It also used to be that a celebrity line was not high quality. It was in K-Mart or WalMart only, and it was a cheap version of other stuff that was supposed to look really nice and like you had paid $200 instead of $20.97...until 3 months later when it had faded/cracked/broken/been lost. Suitable for "real people" I guess. Now celebrity lines are "higher end" and many a celebrity line is affordable only to other celebrities.

Which is funny to think of Christina Aguilara wearing Jessica Simpson shoes. Or Regis Philben wearing Donald Trump ties.

Macy's has an ad out called the "Magic of Macy's - Morning" that really emphasizes the extreme to which celebrity lines have invaded their store. I don't think that they are trying to put this at a level of absurdity in the commercial, but they unintentionally succeed in doing so. One brand strategy consultant opines that it's " effective use of the talents presented."

Personally, I take the opposing view. I think that it makes Macy's look like a NASCAR telecast minus the giant italic numbers on everything. But perhaps with the more upscale market NASCAR seems to be looking for, what with pretty much eliminating their presence from network TV and jumping straight to cable-only broadcasts for the majority of the season, that may be a match made in heaven.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Time to update "the list"

Due to a couple of additions, and one I forgot to put on in the first place, I have decided to update and republish my "list."

I don't think anything else is needed for explanation besides the following:

Dean Cain:

Dale Earnhardt, Jr.:

Tom Cruise (from Days of Thunder...not anytime close to now):

Josh Duhamel:

Enrique Iglesias:

Justin Bartha:

Movie Review: National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets

I loved the first National Treasure. It was funny, the history and clue-chasing were great, the historic sites were cool. So I was eagerly anticipating the newest edition. I was semi-disappointed in a couple aspects, but pretty happy overall. I would say it's worth it to see if you liked the first one.

* Disappointment #1: There was a lack of good, strong clues and not as much history-buff level info in there. The clues that were followed were very simple, not as complex as the original. It was kinda like both the characters and clue-leavers from centuries past were saying "Oh, we've been here, done this, everyone knows there are clues, let's make it faster, not waste our time, and get to the bar to down a cold one. And then Nick Cage can get the girl again faster."

* Disappointment #2: The predictability. This came in two ways..."Oh, the big hidden room with dusty stuff that lights up by giant oil rivers lit by a sconce from the wall." or "Oh, a giant staircase/ladder/shaky standing platform that will crumble because there are too many people on it and the bad guy tries to leave us on it." But also, if anyone saw Treasure Hunters on NBC, you knew where they were going to go.

* Good stuff #1: The lines were really funny, and the timing on the delivery was great.

* Good stuff #2: Nicholas Cage and Jon Voigt play off of eachother really well. They are funny together. Put them in more movies together. And Helen Mirren (I have no clue how to spell any of these peoples' names) as Nick Cage's mom was hilarious.

* Good stuff #3: The predictability. In a way, the "big hidden room with dusty stuff that lights up by giant oil rivers lit by a sconce from the wall." or "a giant staircase/ladder/shaky standing platform that will crumble because there are too many people on it and the bad guy tries to leave us on it" have quickly become signatures of the National Treasure series. Which is kinda cool to have done by movie #2.

* Good stuff #4: Justin Bartha. I may add him to my "list."

Movie Review: I Am Legend

I was very disappointed. First, I love Will Smith and have loved nearly everything else he has made...Persuit of Happyness, Hitch, Fresh Prince of Bel Aire...but ugh. Let me just list everything not right about this movie so that you don't go see it yourself.

* First, it was a scary movie. I didn't know that. I don't like scary movies. Scary deadish zombie-like people jumping out at you all over the place.

* There was some sort of weird obsession with deer. They were jumping all around all over the place.

* I didn't really see a plot. Guy is alone, guy isn't alone, guy is mean when he isn't alone, guy dies alone. Ooops, sorry. Well, guess you don't have to see it now.

* The woman in the movie didn't appear until the last 15 minutes. And she was random, and had a random kid with her. And the random kid never said a word for some reason. I guess he was mute.

* The more I thought about and talked about the movie as I drove away, the less I liked it. That's not a good sign.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

So random. So, so random.

* People who think that the bed of my truck is a trash can for their empties should have their upper arms and palms sliced repeatedly with rusty can tabs and refused a tetnis shot. Walk to a flipping trash can and throw the damn things away and have a little respect for other people. If I catch you, I will chase you down and slice you up myself by using your own can.

* Why don't the cashiers at Super Target understand that you shouldn't put ice cream in the same bag as the hot rotisserie chicken from the deli? UGH. Give me two freaking bags.

* OK, done venting.

* Ever notice how animal people that make appearances on late night talk shows always, without fail, make some reference to the crude sexual behaviour of whatever frog, giraffe, bug, snake, dog, elephant, wild cat, or prairie dog they bring? There is always at least one very horny animal with the animal who will "shag every female in his line of vision during mating season" or will "get it on with all the ladies, he doesn't have any standards." Usually one of them has a really long tongue, which is good for...well, use your imagination. Not only is the standard mode of operation for celebrities to bang everyone who is still breathing, but it's the standard mode of operation for wild animals who take over the same stage.

* What a shame that the Golden Globe Awards have been cancelled. This now denies bloggers and other petty self-rightous people world-wide the opportunity to make fun of rich people who wear insanely (pick your poison) revealing/glittery/falling-offy/pink/slippery/taffeta gown with big bodacious jewelry from some random rich-person's jeweler who has never been heard of before tonight. And inevitably, there's a scary Mariah Carey performance, like this one.