When Words Collide, Sentences Form

The Steph's Rules For Driving

Urgh. People drive me nuts. As in when I am behind the wheel of my lil' pick-up, the other so-called human beings (I prefer the term "f'ing monkeys") driving their vehicles make me insane! Due to the fact that no one else knows how to drive as well as I do, I'm writing down the rules of driving right here for the rest of the idiots to read (and yes, I believe in road rage...at the very least in screaming curse words while my middle finger is extended high in the air and is waved from right to left to right to left while I swerve to the left with extreme control around your slow a$$):

* If you make a mistake (i.e. you suddenly realize that THAT left is the one you need and you are in the right lane of a 4 lane highway), then commit to your mistake, turn around somewhere else where you won't be interfering with me and get the HELL OFF THE ROAD.

* While we're on the topic - don't turn left from the right lane of a 4 lane highway.

* Use your damn turn signal if you are going to suddenly slow down from 45 to 10 mph to pull into KFC and load up on lard.

* Use your 3 rear view mirrors. They are there for a reason - that reason being: YOU AREN'T THE ONLY CAR ON THE SIX LANE HIGHWAY.

* If you are planning on making a turn, or stopping, at the intersection 2 miles ahead, don't keep your freaking foot "riding the brake" the whole way so that I THINK you are going slow.

* If you are going 20 mph in a 55 mph zone - no matter what the reason - put your hazard lights on so I can freaking pass you instead of running into the back of your a$$.

* If the light turns red, STOP. If you do that, then everyone can comply with the next rule:

* If the light turns green, FREAKING GO.

* If you aren't able to talk on your cell phone and drive competently at the same time, then don't do it. When I was learning how to drive during my learner's permit days, my mom actually made me learn how to drink (a Coke from Burger King, you idiots, not gin & tonic) or eat a burger while driving since she knew I would do that when I had my license for real. Due to this lesson in driving, I can drive a standard, eat a burger, drink a Coke, talk on my cell phone and STILL FOLLOW THE RULES OF THE ROAD WITHOUT KILLING ANYONE. The least you can do is learn to talk and drive at the same time.

* If I'm going 65 in a 55, don't come flying up behind me and flash your lights for me to get out of your way. 'Cause I'm going to slow down to 55 and ride right next to the SUV in the lane next to me and make your life miserable. Or I'm just gonna keep going 65 and make your life miserable.

* Remember the #1 rule of driving: Don't do anything that will interfere with another driver...blend in, don't cause them to blend you in! And stop being stupid.

posted by Steph @ 7:10 PM