When Words Collide, Sentences Form

The ice is slick, bitch!

That's how Bob Barker would address today's weather!

Due to the fact that 8 months out of the year in Minnesota stay at 22 F or colder, there is frequently ice on the road. Case in point...this morning. Here is what is going on in my head on an icy morning.

I have a light pick-up truck, rear wheel drive. Which means I have no traction on anything that is slicker than a cat's tongue - definitely not built for Minnesota winters. So to compensate and give myself a little traction, I keep the gas tank full and 300 pounds of sand bags in the back over the wheel wells. While this does help, it doesn't give me the traction of every other car on the road. This means I have to be smart when I drive to work, the store, or anyplace else.

I have a 3-point system for computing my little truck's ability to deal with the weather on any given winter day.
1) How many times do I slip and grab my truck to keep from falling while shuffling around it to scrap the windshield?

2) How many seconds do my tires spin as I try to jump the pile of snow the plow has left at the exit to my apartment complex drive?

3) How many times does the back end of my truck go left to right to left to right as I attempt to stop at the first stop light?

The end result (level of ability to deal with ice/snow that day) must be greater or equal to the level of the danger of the route, which is computed through a complex and impossible-to-explain equation involving the following factors:

1) Roads that are sanded, plowed, or salted or any combo thereof.

2) Number of curves in the road.

3) Number of times I may potentially have to start from a stopped position on a hill.

4) Number of times I may potentially have to attempt to stop as I head downhill.

5) Number of times I may potentially have to merge from a slow, unplowed street onto a clear street or vice versa.

At the first stop light I come to, I then make my decision about which route I will take to my destination because I have then collected all of my data. Since I am in my 3rd winter in Minnesota, I know exactly which roads are plowed, which are salted before it starts to freeze, which are just sanded and not plowed, and which are ignored. So, today, based on the level of slipperiness, I decided to vary from my normal route (which includes several hills, a perilous curve, merging onto a clear road from a messy one and an insane number of lights). That was almost a very bad idea.

I went to merge from Ayd Mill Road onto I-35E South...this is a curve that is tricky even under the best conditions if you aren't aware that it's so sharp...and apparently the car that led our line onto the interstate was NOT familiar with it. The entrance ramp is a sharp sweeping curve to the right, and is pretty narrow - protected on either side by guardrails and some foliage. In front of me were 2 SUVs, 2 sedans, and one other pick-up truck like mine. Basically, by halfway through the turn, one white sedan and I were the only vehicles in our line that hadn't hit anything or spun! (Fortunately, since I grew up in NY with much more snow than we get here and way more perilous roads, I know how to drive even my tonka truck in the snow.)

I knew something was up when I saw headlights facing me on this one-way ramp (that was the other truck). I had left A LOT of distance between myself and the car in front, so I just took my foot off of the gas until I had slowed down enough to feel confident in testing the brake. Amazingly, the sand in the bed and my brakes stopped my truck well into a safe zone from the chaos in front of me. Now all that was left was gripping my wheel as I sat there and hoped that the cars behind me were paying attention and had traction - which they all did. Phewwwww.

Then came the funny part. So there are 5 cars in front of me tangled up. (All 5 driven by guys, just in case anyone cares.) One sedan hasn't done anything other than come to a stop while the rest spun and banged around him. So these 5 cars stop spinning, and everyone gets out of their cars to look at eachother! I don't think any of them hit eachother - they all hit the guardrail. Then they slowly tried pushing eachother out of the way. I just sat there and waited. And waited. It was amusing, but I sure as hell wasn't leaving the warmth and safety of my little truck that stopped! Victory is mine!

Eventually they all got the hell out of my way and I continued on my path. But that route, despite a minimum of hills, stops, and curves, has been eliminated from my snow routes. Of course, if everyone would just slow down, be careful and NOT slam on their brakes when they feel their car start to slide, all would be well. Here's a hint, Minnesota, if the car in front of you is spinning - just take your foot off the brake. You'll slow down faster than he will if you don't slam on the brake and go into a slide - because you know he is certainly slamming his brakes, therefore keeping your car away from his! Just chill! Well, not literally - the road already did that.

posted by Steph @ 8:57 PM