When Words Collide, Sentences Form

Kinda Skating with a Sorta Star

Ok, first, you can't really count the "Stars" on "Skating with the Stars" as stars. Not when anyone younger than me hasn't heard of any of them. I mean, Debbie Gibson was a big thing when I was in elementary school and junior high - but she's not even going by the same name now! And Dave Coulier..."Cut...it...out!" "Full House" hasn't shown in over a decade - and "America's Funniest People" was only watched by 2.5 families. And out of curiosity - who the hell is Kristy Swanson? If anyone knows, please tell me.

The only real stars are the figure skaters. It should be called "Dancing with the Duds." But the show is a helluva lot of fun to watch, nonetheless.

So here's my prediction...a couple consisting of a male figure skating star and a female "star" will win. The female skating stars can't overcompensate for their partner's incompetence like the men can. They are strong enough to hold them up and throw them and carry them and lift them. The male non-figure skating "stars" may drop their partners. The male figure skating stars can basically pick them up and skate with them the whole time, never giving the woman a chance to screw up.

It has to be frustrating and depressing to go from being a world-class pairs or singles champion to having to "skate down" to your partner's ability. I mean, how badly does Nancy Kerrigan just want to fly through that sit spin, but can't even sit at a 90 degree angle cause her partner has arthritis and can't sit low enough or spin fast enough? That has to be the hard part - going from skating full force to half-assing it to make your partner not look bad. (Saying "make your partner" look good is too much of a stretch.)

I bet Fox in some secret way wishes that this show was on another network so that they could show off their own reporter, Jillian Barbarie.

Bruce Jenner must own a plastic factory after all of that surgery.

It's funny how they only give the mic to the "stars" after the skating performance. The professional skaters are trained in PR and stuff, but they can't be funny I guess - but the judges (former skaters and judges and coaches past their prime, too) can. Hmmm.

Do you think that if they do an "80s Music" theme night that Debbie Gibson will skate to "Electric Youth" and that they'll cover the judges in perfume with a neon coil in it? (Yes, I owned "Electric Youth" perfume, I'm proud to say.)

Of course the most flamboyant and famous one, Madame Gibson, gets the most flamboyant and famous partner...Kirk Browning. Who had hair for the first time ever in his life.

And ummm, boobs as old as Tai Babalonia's shouldn't be in such a low-cut dress. Cover those bags up, girl!

But I have to say, the funniest television moment EVER was Todd Bridges falling. I have never laughed sooo hard in my life. I couldn't stop laughing. That was just freaking hilarious. I absolutely almost died. My stomach hurts. My food is cold now cause I couldn't eat it.

posted by Steph @ 5:22 PM