When Words Collide, Sentences Form

Disturbing in so many ways...

2008-03-22T12:53:00.000-07:00

It took something so disturbing that I almost spit my beverage out in disgust to get me to log back into blogger after some time away due to lack of time and energy.

Wow, this commercial is gross. I honestly thought it was a joke:

The 50th Annual Grammies-ugh

2008-02-10T18:53:00.000-08:00

To be fair, I joined the show in progress, so maybe what happened before I started watching was better, but from what I have heard - it wasn't.

I walked in on Tina Turner and Beyonce performing - that was great. Beyonce is an amazing performer. But then after that, it was the most horrible awards show ever. Someone at the Grammies who produces the show needs to learn how to keep a young diverse and short-attention-spanned audience engaged...because this was the show:

Kanye West being an ass (yeah, he's a great musician, he's talented, but he's so freaking full of himself and I have never quite figured out why everyone thinks he's God's gift to music and treats him like he just saved a child from and attacking king cobra) and getting in the obligatory tear for his mother who died from plastic surgery, moves into

Some weird gospel revival (with Aretha Franklin who looked like a scary, giant lemon reminiscent of a James and the Giant Peach moment, and a group of weird women dressed in bad shiny prom dresses and white waiter shirts tied at the waist) moves into

Some bluegrass tribute (which I didn't even pay attention to, and I actually like bluegrass...there are some amazingly talented bluegrass singes out there) moves into

Some random new artist named Feist singing a song that I only know from iPod commercials - only the iPod version is MUCH better than the live version (which amazes me because artists have managed to make their songs hits by using them in commercials...whatever happened to just getting DJs to play them??) moves into

Some random weird stuff with Kid Rock (like they were singing bad old show tunes) moves into

Stevie Wonder tooting a harmonica for 3 seconds and then stumbling through a tribute (I think he went on stage for a different reason, then did the tribute??) moves into

Alicia Keyes performing (OK, she's good) moves into

VINCE GILL ACCEPTING AN AWARD AND CALLING OUT KANYE WEST (Ok, that was one of the best moments in television history...the instant that is out on YouTube, it's going into this blog.) moves into

An orchestra playing some famous movement that I'm pretty sure I know better from Charlie Brown shows or some commercial like Prudential Life investments or some other insurance/investment company (Which was way too long, slow and boring to be playing at 9:30 on a Sunday night - keep us more engaged than you do by playing some long version of a song from a commercial. I also think this song is used by at least one skater and by the broadcasting television station in about 97% of Olympic games )

And through all of this, it has been an Amy Winehouse/Foo Fighters love fest.

First of all, Daughtry should have won rock album of the year, did anyone really know the Foo Fighters had an album out? (OK, yes, I did, but that's not the point.)

I don't get the obsession with Amy Winehouse. I am pretty sure that everyone thinks that Amy Winehouse is the world's greatest human being and we should all support her for standing up to "the man" by being an insane drug addict. She's a heroine. Or on heroin. Not sure which at the moment. And then they have her perform live from London, and she doesn't even sing a song I know, that turned into "rehab" which I never even realized was her. Ironic that her song that won her all of the awards is called "Rehab?" Ugh. Spare me. She might be performing at a television studio. This is so strange. At least Cuba Gooding basically called her out on "We didn't know if she could perform tonight." I also just conculuded while chatting on line with E that she is reviving the beehive because it's easy to maintain - doesn't need to be washed or brushed. Perfect the recovering drug addict.

Here's the other thing I haven't understood all night - the weird, awkward "lifetime achievement" honorees given out every 10 minutes without really talking about or showing clips of them. And about 99% of them were dead I think.

Ahh, and we got to see Amy Winehouse so "gracefully" and tearfully realize that she won song of the year. That was one of the strangest television moments of all time. She thanked her incarcerated boyfriend or husband, whatever he is. And said he was incarcerated. She was so obviously out of it. They never should have shown her speaking.

At least they could cut away and not show her anymore, whether than starting the weird music that made Kanye West turn into super ass and throw a fit like he's sooo great we can't cut him off. (By the way, when he made the comment about the right time to stop playing the music was when he started talking about his dead mom, I would have turned the music up, cut away, and left him there throwing a fit until he had to be dragged off the stage before the commercial break ended.)

Yeah, the Grammies sucked.

Hillary*

2008-02-05T18:23:00.000-08:00

* I've given up on a "Super Stuff" post that covers all of the super stuff I didn't cover before: Super Bowl Sunday, Hillary Clinton, Super Tuesday. There's just too much to say. So I'll just start with Hillary, and politics, and my "endorsement," and finish the rest later.

On Super Bowl Sunday, Hillary Clinton was speaking at nearby Augsburg College. (Obama had been in town the day before, but I was working so I couldn't go.) I love going to campain stops, no matter the party. In the last two presidential elections, I have gone to campaign stops by both parties. In 2000, I saw Lieberman's daughter do a Gore/Lieberman stop and Jeb Bush's son do a stop for Bush/Cheney at UF. In 2004, I saw Bush at the Xcel Energy Center, Kerry at the Metrodome parking lot, and Edwards at the university at which I now work. It's fascinating to see how each candidate runs a campaign, how each party differs in their approach, and how the supporters of each candidate differ.

I think it's pretty clear that I'm rather liberal, I'm a registered Democrat, and I'm pretty much going to vote Democrat (DFL in Minnesota). So I have no problem declaring that the presidential endorsement of notthecheat.blogspot.com goes to....drumroll, please...Hillary Clinton.

I had a great time going to her campaign stop in Minneapolis. First, the crowds at campaign stops are highly entertaining. There were two women behind me in line, chit chatting as we walked alongside the domed football/soccer field to get into the basketball arena. At one point in time, they were discussing how atrociuos it was that their friend's daughter had dressed her kids in spring outfits for the baptism they all attended on Saturday. The horror! I mean, those kids were probably wearing pastel blue, green, and pink - and ruffles. Possibly even white shoes after Labor Day?? They were warm enough, but they were in "spring outfits." Amazing that the families are still friends.

These same two women were then talking about whether Chelsea and Bill would be there. One of the women opined that Chelsea was going to be stomping elsewhere, so she wouldn't be in Minneapolis. "Stomping? Like the musical??" That was the thought in my head. Until I realized that she probably meant "stumping." Old people are funny.

So then we got inside, and although there were a ton of seats in the bleachers, I walked down by the stage, where I got really, really close to the stage for all of the action.

First, I listened to Senator Mark Dayton. Before he spoke, he walked along the rope and shook hands. I didn't really have any desire to shake his hand. He's kinda strange. But he made me. So I did. And he said it was nice to see me there. I supposed that's as opposed to being nice to see me at the Science Museum of Minnesota? Then I saw a college security guard conferring with a Secret Service agent. This struck me as funny, so I took a picture.
Then St. Paul mayor Chris Coleman spoke. I like him a lot. He informed us that the early score from the Super Bowl was "Bud Light leads by a touchdown."

And former VP Walter Mondale was listening closely.

And this guy had a really funny shirt on.

And then Senator Clinton arrived. This is how close I was to her! See how happy she is to see me!?! (yes, I know she's not looking right at me when I took the picture)
Then she got up on the stage while I, and every single person attending the event, took pictures. (It was actually really funny to watch everyone in the gym hold up their digital cameras and open cell phones with cameras for the 20+ minutes between the last speaker and when Hillary actually arrived. The instant the last speaker spoke and the Augsburg band stopped playing and the campaign CD with Dolly Parton's "9 to 5" and other woman-power songs started, everyone turned on their cameras and flipped open their cell phones, held them in the "ready position," and stood there until she arrived. I wonder how many cameras/cell phones either went into "auto-shut-off" mode or had their batteries die while they waited for her to appear. I was hysterical to see an entire gym fullied with people holding rectangular silver electronics at 90, then 85, then 80, then 75, etc., degree angles from their body as their arm tired, and finally they used their weak arm to hold up the other arm.)
Then she took in the applause. And I, along with the tall guy in front of me, took pictures.
Then she may have seen someone she knew, and a semi-tall person in front of me showed his/her approval.

Then Walter Mondale started to introduce her.

And kept introducing her.

Then she spoke. (Semi-paraphrasing) "I believe in universal health care for everyone! And if you have health care you already like, then don't change anything. Keep it. Go on. But if you don't have it or you can't afford it, then join in the universal health care plan."

Then after she finished, Mondale left, and so did I, because the Super Bowl had already started and I had to go pick up my guacamole and take it to the pot luck Super Bowl party at the bar I was heading to.

All in all, it was a great afternoon, and it was well worth missing the first 13 minutes of playing time in the first quarter of a great Super Bowl. Later on, I will pontificate about my political thoughts, where I agree with Hillary, what was great about the Super Bowl, and what is right and wrong with the Super Tuesday caucus in Minnesota. So stay tuned!

Super Mutant Mushrooms*

2008-02-05T17:30:00.000-08:00

* This post was supposed to cover: Super Mutant Mushrooms, Super Bowl Sunday, Hillary Clinton, Super Tuesday. But due to a scientific discovery in the middle of writing this post, I decided it deserved a listing of its very own. I will cover the rest of the topics in a later post. Possibly later tonight!

And now that I have your attention, let's start with the most menial of these intended topics, although, I'll admit, it's the topic over which I have spent the most time obsessing this week...

Super Mutant Mushrooms.

I have a nice plant growing on my shelving system, it's basically a pencil-man plant (I don't know the real name of the plant...but I got it from The Mom and brought it up here to grow). Last week, I noticed that I also have Super Mutant Mushrooms growing alongside the pencil-man plant, and I didn't know where they came from!

They had the strangest, and shortest, lifespans.

In the morning, at 7:00 a.m., it would be a fuzz on the top of the soil. Then it would grow into a dome.

Then when I would come home at lunch, it would have a stem starting to grow.

By the time I got home from work, it would be a full-fledged mushroom!

And then by the time American Idol came on, it would be folding in half and dying. By the next morning, it would crumpled and shriveled on the dirt. Dead. I didn't take a picture of that, because that is just depressing!

Now here's the even more interesting part of the story. While I was waiting for those above pictures to load into my blog, I grabbed my bag of cactus and succulent potting soil because I was going to mix a little bit in with some Miracle Grow potting soil to plant some herb seeds, I was curious as to how that mix of soil would do versus Miracle Grow only. But that's besides the point.

So I open up the bag to stick my hand in to pull out some soil...and what do I see? THIS:

The source of my Super Mutant Mushrooms!

Now I don't know what to do. The weird thing is, I planted all of my cacti and succulents in this stuff. But only the pencil-man plant is growing mushrooms. And they only started growing a week ago, and this stuff has been planted in this soil for months now. WTF??

Post-speech

2008-01-28T19:07:00.000-08:00

I couldn't not document this moment.

After the speech, Bush walked up the aisle signing programs with a Sharpie. I have a couple of questions...

1) Who provided the Sharpie? Did the president pull it off the podium as he stepped down? Did he have an aide stationed at the end of the row who provided him with the Sharpie?

2) Do congresspeeps or representatives think about that kind of thing going into the speech? Do they say to their wives/husbands/children/mistresses as they walk out the door, "I'm going to have George sign my program tonight! I have a Sharpie with me! Should I bring blue or black? Or maybe red??"

3) Is that Sharpie going to wind up on eBay, or in the George W. Bush Presidential Library? Everyone knows it's one or the other.

4) I wonder if anyone lost a cap to a Sharpie and now has permanent ink all over a gorgeous, expensive, tailored suit.

Yes, I am infantile when watching serious political events that impact our future. I'm really OK with that!

The State of the Union address

2008-01-28T18:17:00.000-08:00

Subtitle: What you're really thinking when you're watching it.

I'm watching the State of the Union address. Mainly I kept watching it because the things the analysts were saying before the actually speech started were so freaking funny, I kept it on. So here's my view of the State of the Union. And before I even write it, I'm pretty sure that this will ensure that I'm never invited to the State of the Union address. Which is fine, as long as I'm invited to the after-party.

* First, I heard Katie Couric start up because I had been watching the great shows on CBS like "How I Met Your Mother" and "Two and a Half Men." She comes on and talks about George Washington's last State of the Union address and now George W. Bush's last State of the Union address. What? Did she just try to make a comparison of the father of our country who will not tell a lie and chopped down a cherry tree to the man who probably wonders why it's not the States of the Union address? I flipped the channel.

*But not before I heard Katie say that Bush said that "there wouldn't be a lick of nostalgia" in the address. Can take the boy out of Texas, but you can't take the Texas out of the boy, I guess.

* Then I get to ABC. The guy on that channel just said, "This is the one speech of the year he really gets up for." I'm not gonna lie, that made me giggle like a 12 year old. Maybe they should have proofed that comment before the analyst read it aloud.

* An analyst on one of the above stations noted that "Clinton and Obama have not shook hands yet."

* Here's my thought, and I think it's brilliant. If I were a candidate, I would skip the State of the Union and campaign - you know where all of your opponnents are...you would get the leg up, out there campaigning and knocking on doors.

* I also think that tonight would have been a great night for a caucus...would probably be the highest attended caucus ever...since there's nothing else on TV.

* So I flipped to NBC. And the speech started, so I didn't have an analyst to make fun of.

* Our president started the speech with the standard "Speaker of the house, vice president, members of congress, fellow citizens of the United States....blah blah blah." As he got that started, I was really hoping to hear (and this may be from seeing soo many parodies of him on late night television)..."Speaker of the house, vice president, members of congress, fellow citizens of the United States....Live from Washington D.C., it's Monday Night Live!!" And maybe stick his tongue out.

* My favorite part of the State of the Union address is when everyone stands up and sits down on cue. Makes me want yell a cheer from our high school football games that went something like "Stand up! Sit down! Fight! Fight! Fight!"

* I absolutely love watching the faces of the Veep and the Speaker of the House who get stuck sitting behind the president so you have to look at them the whole time. They are pretending not to fall asleep, to not react too sharply so their constituents get upset, and to not laugh at him.

* It's even more funny to think of all of the people there in the audience watching, knowing that at any second a camera could pan to them to get their reaction and that they could be caught picking their nose, sleeping, rolling their eyes, dropping a pen on the floor, making an origami crane. I know I would be. Or I might bring a laptop and write a blog while he's speaking. The noise of the click-clack on the keys would be similar to what the popcorn machine popping popcorn during the silence of the national anthem at a basketball game would sound like.

* One of my favorite all-time lines that a politician uses is - "And to make sure that the Constitution really means what it says." Yep, he just used it. I don't get that line. Of course it really means what it says? Would anyone take it seriously if it didn't mean what it said? It's not like the Constitution is your mom, who got pissed about you breaking a vase, and you won't admit it, so she says "Henry, if you don't tell me who broke that vase I'm gonna......." And don't you think that by now, all of these years later, someone would have figured out what the Constitution means? If not by now, I think it's too late.

* No wonder things are going bad in the Middle East...there are armies of compassion marching through there. I'm pretty sure that if we have to be other there, we should march armies of fighters through there...will probably be more effective.

Ok, enough thoughts!

Technology

2008-01-22T17:37:00.000-08:00

The motherboard went out on my computer at work today. Which I initially interpreted to mean that I can no longer summon the force to be with me. What it really means is that I can't plug my keyboard in anymore because the purple thingy that you plug the purple pluggy-thingy into is loose.

At least that's what I narrowed it down to mean. All I really knew was that my keyboard didn't work anymore. I couldn't get any other keyboards to work, and the IT people couldn't get it to work. And they couldn't believe I had used my computer earlier without a problem. So the explanation I kept hearing was "the motherboard is gone."

Where does a motherboard go? Why didn't I see it leave? Why can't we just get it back?

How did I get put onto 4 different technology-related committees at work when I can't
figure out that the purple thingy is loose on the back of my computer?

So I looked up "motherboard" on Google. (See, that was my ploy to get my blog to pull up on a Google alert!!) I got a Wikipedia hit. Apparently, a motherboard is also known as a "mobo" for short.

If our IT guys had called it a "mobo" I would have probably been insulted. But I may try calling the help desk tomorrow and asking how my "mobo" is doing!

Superiority Complex Alert

2008-01-21T21:32:00.000-08:00

While watching the Giants take down the Packers in true NFL-greatest-games style (and by the way, I called that Favre interception...as he dropped back in the pocket, I called it and I have a table full of people who may or may not have had fewer than 10 drinks to vouch for me), halftime brought about a conversation about blogs.

A friend of mine recently started a blog, and we were gathered with a group (including a Packers fan showing her green and gold pride til the very end, while I wore my 1956 Frank Gifford jersey) at a local watering hole to watch the game. The topic of conversation became "Why do people have blogs? Why do people read them? Why do you write your blog?"

For me, the answer is simple, and it's something for which I get made fun of endlessly by The Family and pretty much anyone who knows me, I like to tell stories. And I think I tell good stories! Lots of details, interesting plots, fun characters. What's not to write about?

As for why do people read my blog? Well, the answer is easy, as far as I can tell. Quite frankly, my writing is funny, engaging, interesting, informative, educational, and cultural - all in one.

And people are surprised to find out that I'm from New York?? Must be because sometimes I say an "o" funny.

(Also, by the way, Shaggy is on Jay Leno right now, and you gotta have love for a rapper wearing 1700s-era military garb. That's brave.)

Pick a side!

2008-01-20T07:17:00.000-08:00

* I am very excited that the Giants and the Packers are facing off in the playoffs tonight. Not because I'm particularly a diehard fan of the Giants (I grew up in NY, have always liked the Giants, but developed a Bucs loyalty in Tampa when they still had those horrible orange jerseys with that weird Johnny Depp-like pirate logo where the thing looks like it has a rose in it's mouth - very tough for a football player to wear), but I live in St. Paul, Minnesota, the crossroads of Packer and Vikings fans. Everything around here is colored yellow ("gold") and purple or green. If you wander into the wrong bar on a Sunday you will see a bunch of people with fake cheese on their heads stand up and mimic an official as they yell "And that's another Green Bay Packers' FIRST DOWN!" then sit down and cheer. So when you live in that environment, and you don't really care one way or the other for either team...you take advantage of your chance to be obnoxious back. And I have a 1956 World Champions New York Football Giants #16 Frank Giffford (the MVP that year) throw-back jersey to wear. So my first and primary goal for today is to find a bunch of Packers fans to watch the game with. I aim high for entertainment on Sunday afternoons when the temperature drops below zero.

* The midwestern Packers/Vikings color scheme is very convenient and cheap for branding, you can buy everything in yellow, and print in one color, depending on the team. Must be how they save money for all of that beer and cheese.

* The New York Rangers are on NBC today for the NHL game of the week. It's a day of watching my favorite winter New York teams play! Go G-men! Go Rangers!

* Does anyone know where Obama stands on anything? I haven't heard him say anything of substance yet. Hmmm.

* Last night I went to BW3s at about 11:00 p.m. Normally, BW3s is pretty slow on Friday or Saturday night at that time...but when we walked in, it was hoppin' and there was only 1 table left in the corner. As we snagged it, we saw that the fuss was about the pay-per-view Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) title bout between BJ Penn and Joe Stevenson. We happened to walk in just as they were taking to the octagon, so we saw the whole thing! Wahoo. And then there were some other fights. Two more, if I remember correctly. Here's a recap of what you, too, could have seen for about $487 on pay-per-view (slight exaggeration):

** Bouts are in five-minute rounds, FYI. (I learned that last night.)

** The first bout, the guy who ultimately won - Penn - knocked Stevenson onto the mat in about 4 seconds, and they basically laid on the floor hugging for five minutes. One time, Penn swung at Stevenson's forehead with his elbow and created a blood geyser in the dead center of his forehead. Cool. But basically they just hugged and spooned on the floor for five minutes. Exciting. I can't believe people can actually commentate that. Then the fight ended about 2 minutes or so into the second round when Penn turned Stevenson's head purple. Well, purple and red, cause blood was everywhere. Cool again.

** I can't figure out how you hire announcers for this support. "Look, he's holding him on the ground!" "Look, he's holding him tighter!" "Ohhh, they are slippery, all covered in blood!" "He's holding him again!" "OH, he got away!" "Oh, he caught him again!" Apparently, stuff was happening - enough to write an article about it, read the story about the title bout. It's kinda funny to read.

** Then, in an attempt to make everyone believe they were at a WWE event instead of UFC...the guy who lost the title belt when he was suspended for taking nandrolone came into the ring and trash-talked the new champion.

** Joe Rogan does post-bout interviews and color commentary. Yes, THAT Joe Rogan. I didn't know that. Apparently he has been doing it forever. Or ten years. Whichever is longer. He's pretty much a tool.

** The second bout lasted about 19 seconds. No joke. I think one guy tripped the other and he bruised his hammy. Done. Champion crowned.

** The third bout lasted 1:30. No joke. One guy held the other down. The other got away. Then he hit the crap out of the first guy's head and an official wearing rubber gloves stepped in to stop him. No fun there.

** The ring official wears rubber gloves. That's funny.

** Yes, I definitely see why people pay $487 to see that. Or go to BW3s and buy a $4.75 beer and watch it instead. Or accidentally walk into and watch it without knowing it's happening.

* I did find a new name to add to my favorite athlete names list, which currently consists mainly of Mika Hakkinen, Kimi Raikkonen, and Temu Selanne. Check this one out, and say it out loud: Alessio "Legionarivs" Sakara .

Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree...

2008-01-15T19:54:00.000-08:00

Well, I finally took my first-ever Christmas tree down this week, but not without much sadness. I also put away my wreath, stockings, table decorations, rotating musical ceremic Christmas tree, mugs with angels on them, and wrapping paper. Booo.

Many of you may remember the great purchase that was my Christmas tree. The Parents did drive the tree up to me this summer! So it was well worth the $17.25.

And this is what my tree looked like without the lights on:

And this is my tree WITH the lights on and no flash:

And this is my tree WITH the lights on and with the flash:

Until I took these pictures, I didn't realize that my tree was crooked. Sad. Next year I'm putting it up, taking pictures, and straightening it based on those pictures.

But I was very happy to have my first Christmas tree up! I can't wait til next November to put it up again!

Premiere of Season XVIIXNIV of American Idol Tonight!

2008-01-15T16:18:00.000-08:00

Ok, I got a little confused between the Super Bowl and American Idol...but similar excitement level! Plus, I never actually know what Super Bowl is being played because, seriously, who in the world can read Roman numerals? And I think it's actually only season 7 of Idol...not XVIIXNIV, which I think is officially infinity.

But if anyone wants to talk to me between 8/7 Central and 10/9 Central tonight...you will have to come to my apartment and be quiet in between commercials. I will be taping tomorrow's show, since I have to work, but I'll give you warning as to when I'm watching it so you won't bother me.

Just think, another season of amazing singers, stunningly horrific individuals, sappy stories about lost dogs/baby daughters/forgotten dads/broken down trucks on the way to auditions/missed college finals/fired-from-jobs-for-auditioning/broke because of buying the bus ticket to Austin...you get the point! I can't wait!

It's all in the name

2008-01-11T13:19:00.000-08:00

Every single celebrity in the world has a "line" now. For some, it's a line of coke. For others, it's a line of kitchen utensils, clothing, perfume, lotion, ice cream, sneakers, heels, dolls, you name it, there's a celebrity line of it.

It's gone beyond the "Air Jordan" sneakers...but that was probably the real start of this.

It used to be that people who actually knew something about the product or product line were behind the line. They themselves actually studied, analyzed, researched, earned degrees in whatever it was they were making and selling with their name on it. Now, you just have to have the name flashy enough to have your own line. And you go to "your" testing facility twice before the unveiling to make sure that you can actually tolerate the smell or taste or look enough to wear/eat/hold your own product in a commercial.

It also used to be that a celebrity line was not high quality. It was in K-Mart or WalMart only, and it was a cheap version of other stuff that was supposed to look really nice and like you had paid $200 instead of $20.97...until 3 months later when it had faded/cracked/broken/been lost. Suitable for "real people" I guess. Now celebrity lines are "higher end" and many a celebrity line is affordable only to other celebrities.

Which is funny to me...to think of Christina Aguilara wearing Jessica Simpson shoes. Or Regis Philben wearing Donald Trump ties.

Macy's has an ad out called the "Magic of Macy's - Morning" that really emphasizes the extreme to which celebrity lines have invaded their store. I don't think that they are trying to put this at a level of absurdity in the commercial, but they unintentionally succeed in doing so. One brand strategy consultant opines that it's "...an effective use of the talents presented."

Personally, I take the opposing view. I think that it makes Macy's look like a NASCAR telecast minus the giant italic numbers on everything. But perhaps with the more upscale market NASCAR seems to be looking for, what with pretty much eliminating their presence from network TV and jumping straight to cable-only broadcasts for the majority of the season, that may be a match made in heaven.

Time to update "the list"

2008-01-10T19:08:00.000-08:00

Due to a couple of additions, and one I forgot to put on in the first place, I have decided to update and republish my "list."

I don't think anything else is needed for explanation besides the following:

Dean Cain:

Dale Earnhardt, Jr.:

Tom Cruise (from Days of Thunder...not anytime close to now):

Josh Duhamel:

Enrique Iglesias:

Justin Bartha:

Movie Review: National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets

2008-01-10T18:44:00.001-08:00

I loved the first National Treasure. It was funny, the history and clue-chasing were great, the historic sites were cool. So I was eagerly anticipating the newest edition. I was semi-disappointed in a couple aspects, but pretty happy overall. I would say it's worth it to see if you liked the first one.

* Disappointment #1: There was a lack of good, strong clues and not as much history-buff level info in there. The clues that were followed were very simple, not as complex as the original. It was kinda like both the characters and clue-leavers from centuries past were saying "Oh, we've been here, done this, everyone knows there are clues, let's make it faster, not waste our time, and get to the bar to down a cold one. And then Nick Cage can get the girl again faster."

* Disappointment #2: The predictability. This came in two ways..."Oh, the big hidden room with dusty stuff that lights up by giant oil rivers lit by a sconce from the wall." or "Oh, a giant staircase/ladder/shaky standing platform that will crumble because there are too many people on it and the bad guy tries to leave us on it." But also, if anyone saw Treasure Hunters on NBC, you knew where they were going to go.

* Good stuff #1: The lines were really funny, and the timing on the delivery was great.

* Good stuff #2: Nicholas Cage and Jon Voigt play off of eachother really well. They are funny together. Put them in more movies together. And Helen Mirren (I have no clue how to spell any of these peoples' names) as Nick Cage's mom was hilarious.

* Good stuff #3: The predictability. In a way, the "big hidden room with dusty stuff that lights up by giant oil rivers lit by a sconce from the wall." or "a giant staircase/ladder/shaky standing platform that will crumble because there are too many people on it and the bad guy tries to leave us on it" have quickly become signatures of the National Treasure series. Which is kinda cool to have done by movie #2.

* Good stuff #4: Justin Bartha. I may add him to my "list."

Movie Review: I Am Legend

2008-01-10T18:29:00.000-08:00

I was very disappointed. First, I love Will Smith and have loved nearly everything else he has made...Persuit of Happyness, Hitch, Fresh Prince of Bel Aire...but ugh. Let me just list everything not right about this movie so that you don't go see it yourself.

* First, it was a scary movie. I didn't know that. I don't like scary movies. Scary deadish zombie-like people jumping out at you all over the place.

* There was some sort of weird obsession with deer. They were jumping all around all over the place.

* I didn't really see a plot. Guy is alone, guy isn't alone, guy is mean when he isn't alone, guy dies alone. Ooops, sorry. Well, guess you don't have to see it now.

* The woman in the movie didn't appear until the last 15 minutes. And she was random, and had a random kid with her. And the random kid never said a word for some reason. I guess he was mute.

* The more I thought about and talked about the movie as I drove away, the less I liked it. That's not a good sign.

So random. So, so random.

2008-01-09T21:01:00.001-08:00

* People who think that the bed of my truck is a trash can for their empties should have their upper arms and palms sliced repeatedly with rusty can tabs and refused a tetnis shot. Walk to a flipping trash can and throw the damn things away and have a little respect for other people. If I catch you, I will chase you down and slice you up myself by using your own can.

* Why don't the cashiers at Super Target understand that you shouldn't put ice cream in the same bag as the hot rotisserie chicken from the deli? UGH. Give me two freaking bags.

* OK, done venting.

* Ever notice how animal people that make appearances on late night talk shows always, without fail, make some reference to the crude sexual behaviour of whatever frog, giraffe, bug, snake, dog, elephant, wild cat, or prairie dog they bring? There is always at least one very horny animal with the guest...an animal who will "shag every female in his line of vision during mating season" or will "get it on with all the ladies, he doesn't have any standards." Usually one of them has a really long tongue, which is good for...well, use your imagination. Not only is the standard mode of operation for celebrities to bang everyone who is still breathing, but it's the standard mode of operation for wild animals who take over the same stage.

* What a shame that the Golden Globe Awards have been cancelled. This now denies bloggers and other petty self-rightous people world-wide the opportunity to make fun of rich people who wear insanely (pick your poison) revealing/glittery/falling-offy/pink/slippery/taffeta gown with big bodacious jewelry from some random rich-person's jeweler who has never been heard of before tonight. And inevitably, there's a scary Mariah Carey performance, like this one.

Spiderman's a sell-out

2007-12-30T21:11:00.000-08:00

Just when I thought things couldn't get any weirder, that there couldn't possibly be anything else insanely weird going on at the side of the road that The Mom would have to pull the minivan over to see, it happened 24 hours later.

The scene from The Minivan:

As we drove past, we were astonished to see that the colorful car belonged to the one and only Spiderman. Who was selling pictures with himself on the side of a road in Florida.

Of course, we turned around and went back to see what was going on, but by then, Spiderman was packing up shop and was trying to figure out how to take down his tent.

I guess he figured out how to do it.

They should have budgeted for 4 or 5 movies so that Spiderman would have had employment through the end of 2007.

You can't buy crazy like this...

2007-12-30T03:39:00.000-08:00

Just in case you needed further proof that Floridians are crazy...let me reintroduce you to the Land of 10,000,000 Nuts....

We were simply driving along in our automobile, heading to Tampa to watch 180 minutes of hockey, when we were stopped at a stop sign in the little town of Parrish (home of the double-wide bank). As we were waiting, this thing went past on the road to which we were perpendicular.

Immediately my hands flew to my purse, and with great excitement I anxiously managed to unzip the bag and pull out my "Florida Crazy Capture Device" aka a digital camera.

The Mom then pulled over the minivan and I got out of the car to await the arrival of the Mystery Machine which was moving at the speed of a patch of turtles and was wobbling all over the place.
Then it got closer.
And closer.
And then stopped to pose for pictures!!!

In case you can't tell, this guy had like 8 dogs in those openings in his shell on the front and back of his bike. WHAT????

Kids, take this post as a publice service announcement to put sunscreen on the top of your head to prevent brain bakeage.

Seriously, only in Florida would you find a fiberglass orange boat on a bicycle carrying 8 dogs wrapped in Christmas garland wobbling down a country road with no apparent place to go.

FLA Update

2007-12-29T05:12:00.001-08:00

One thing I have noticed about my trips to Florida, they always generate a lot of pictures. Not necessarily "Oh, let's preserve this Kodak moment forever and ever because I love this person" pictures, but more like "Holy crap, did you see that?!" pictures. This is why I carry my little digital camera with me everywhere I go!

Example: "Holy Crap! Is your new bank in a double-wide?"

Yes, yes, it is!

Example: "Holy Crap! Is that really an Impala in the parking lot of Sam's Club that is twice the height of a shopping cart?"

Yes, yes, it is.

Example: "Holy Crap! Is that Burger King really selling 50-year old burgers?"

Yes, yes, it is.

Example: "Holy Crap! Does The Steph really have snowmen on her toes?" Yes, yes, she does.

Example: "Holy Crap! Did The Steph really hug a giant mascot?"

Yes, yes, she did. (The Sister, Thunderbug, The Steph)

One more addition

2007-12-22T04:52:00.000-08:00

There's one additional change to The Parent's house that I neglected to mention in my earlier post...

The Mom bought five light-up does which are eating grass gathered around a 10-foot tall light-up palm tree (that was purchased in Minnesota last summer, by the way).

Yes, pictures will follow. Pictures will follow.

Guess who's back...back again...

2007-12-19T19:44:00.000-08:00

Yep, shady. The real Slim Shady.

So I have taken a leave of absence from blogging...and I hadn't done it intentionally, but after a while when I thought about why I had taken my involuntary leave of absence, I realized that my new real job that I took on at about the time of the start of my leave of absence was basically daily blogging (a big part of my job is writing, publications, web updating/content management/etc.). And I guess that after spending all day long writing and logged in to a computer, I didn't have anything else to say at night!

Well, I have really had a lot to say, but just not the energy to say it, I guess! Time to start catching up!

And what better time to do it than when I'm in FLA visiting The Family for Christmas. I am lucky enough to have about two and a half weeks down here due to luck in the scheduling at work and a really nice boss!

I got into town on Saturday, and so far...here's a brief recap of what has happened...with more details to follow in the future:

* The Sister is a wise biologist, apparently...I learned within one hour of my flight landing that turtles travel in "patches" of three. You always see turtles in three, I learned. And a grouping of turtles is a "patch." Like other slow-moving things...such as fog. (No, I still haven't figured out where the heck that knowledge came from, either.)

* The town my parents live in has a new bank...in a double-wide. Seriously. Pictures to come. I couldn't believe it myself.

* My parents bought this giant tractor from our neighbors!! So now I can drive it anytime I want!!! And they bought a brush hog for it, and a plow. Apparently, in Florida, you need a plow. I haven't figured out for what...but you need one. Pictures to follow on all of that, too.

And that's my brief update...more to come soon!

Movie Review: Ocean's Thirteen

2007-06-16T18:35:00.001-07:00

I got to see one more movie on my Summer 2007 Sequel Dream List...Ocean's Thirteen.

I really liked it! I know a lot of people didn't like O-12...which I enjoyed. Yeah, it wasn't as good as O-11, but it wasn't as bad as everyone said. But they did step it back up in O-13. The comedic timing between Danny Ocean (George Clooney) and Rusty Ryan (Brad Pitt) is priceless, and they definitely had some clever lines, a la the old "The West Wing" episodes that were so perfectly written.

The one thing about this movie that surprised me was that there really wasn't "the girl" in this movie. Ellen Barkin is supposed to be the female lead, I guess. But she's really not that big of a part, she's kind of a prop, not like how Julia Roberts was in the first two. I actually missed her in this movie...she had a good chemistry with the cast and fit in well. Barkin was just...there.

The movie had lots of quick little funny lines and moments, and the plot was interesting. Of course it was the same basic idea as the other 2...all of the planning of a big heist to "hurt" a rival, the heist itself, and then a recap as the "explain" the trick parts. As long as they keep coming up with new "big heists," I'll keep watching all the way up to O-50!

It's just too easy...

2007-06-11T21:07:00.000-07:00

I said I wasn't going to write about Paris Hilton (and The Arrest of the Century) because it is just too darn easy...but I just can't resist. I can't imagine not documenting this historic week for all of eternity on my blog. I can't resist not joining in on the insanity that is the publicity following her around from cop car to cell to limo to mansion to cop car to cell. I just...can't...stop...myself.

The Before:

The After:

Is there a difference? She has always had that "I've been locked up inside for 45 days" paleness, and she's got more make-up on in the mug shot than I have in my entire collection. (And according to jail insiders, she kept it on for the first 2 days she was in the slammer...now THAT'S waterproof.)

Wanda Sykes was on Leno tonight. She said she's very happy that Paris found God in prison. After two hours! That cracked me up! (Ok, it's probably more funny if you actually heard her say it...)

And Paris had another great comment...

"I was severely depressed and felt as if I was in a cage... It was a horrible experience."

Why would she feel that way? I don't get it...let's see if we can figure it out...

Jail cell:

(Rabbit) Cage:

I don't get the comparison, Paris. (That was in the same interview in which she said she wasn't going to be dumb anymore...hmmmm.)

Welcome to the Lake

2007-06-10T14:49:00.001-07:00

WARNING: This blog post may be to some like watching Uncle Fred and Aunt Louise's vacation slide show from the cruise to Mexico. But I don't care...the pictures are cool and the weekend was great! Enjoy!

On Friday night, while enjoying some peace and quiet on my friend's (J) porch as he hosted a couple of his local friends (The Steph & E) and an out-of-town guest (A), a spontaneous decision was made to head up to J's parents' (J's Ps) house on Lake Minnewaska in beautiful and populous Glenwood, MN the next afternoon. So at about 1:45pm on June 9, 2007, 2 guys (J & E), 2 girls (The Steph & A) and a yellow lab (The Dog) hit the road in a blue pick-up and never looked back. And the world hasn't been the same since.

The weather forecast called for sunny skies in the 80s for the rest of the weekend. Of course, this is what the sky looked like as we left the traffic-clogged Twin Cities for the 2 1/2 hour drive to the county seat of Pope County:

But have no fear, the clouds and darkness cleared, and by the time we reached Glenwood, the skies were as friendly as could be:

Upon arrival at J's Ps' house, we were greeted with a happy sign overlooking Lake Minnewaska, that stated the sentiment as clearly as possible:

The sign was on the back of the boat house/garage, holding essential tools for repair if necessary on J's Ps' boat...

Upon jumping out of the truck, we unloaded our bags and ventured out to the end of the dock, where The Dog was slightly hesitant to take the plunge into the water...

But eventually, she peered over the edge, tentatively considering jumping in...

And then FINALLY...jumped in...

And doggy-paddled around...

And then terrified everyone by getting close to them with her wet-doggyness...

J's dad had gassed up the boat and prepared it for our arrival, and J lowered it and got it started...
Then pulled up alongside the dock so that we could jump in... And then two guys, two girls and a yellow lab were off for a ride on the lake... (Editor's Note AKA Note from The Steph: The following video is still being "processed" on YouTube because I just uploaded it today, so if it's not there yet, sorry, it will be soon...I hope!)

The Dog definitely enjoyed hanging her head over the edge of the boat...

And getting her wet, smelly doggyness on me...

J showed us a tower off in the distance that he had thought was the Statue of Liberty when he was a kid...

Really??????Since I couldn't quite picture it, even while trying to see the tower through the eyes of a naive, rural 5 year-old, I did a little bit of a side-by-side comparison when I got home...

Yeah. Now I see it. (Wink, wink.) After seeing the great Statue of Liberty from the lake, we continued around, spying on rich people...

And then eventually headed back to home base...

Where J very carefully and delicately pulled the boat back up to the dock...

Then we went to dinner at the famous Torgy's on the Lake. Torgy's is famous for having the best roasted chicken (I think) in Long Beach (little "suburb" of Glenwood) for over 30 years. (I think it's the ONLY place to get roasted chicken in Long Beach...but who am I to argue with the declaration of the menu?). We made the "half-mile" walk (I'm using quotation marks because it was really more like 1+ mile, and not that we minded - it was a gorgeous walk on an amazing evening around the lake, but just note-to-self, when J says "half-mile walk," multiply it by 2 or 3...) We sat on a little patio, overlooking the lake, and then asked J's second grade teacher, who was also dining at this fine establishment, to take a group picture...

(From L to R: The Steph, E, A, J; Not pictured: The Dog, who was left back at The House)

Then we headed back to J's Ps' house and sat outside, enjoying the sunset (although J did point out to me that by the time I took these pictures that the sun had already technically set...details, details...)...

And a bonfire started and maintained by J's dad...

Isn't this pretty???

As the night darkened, I thought the fire was really cool, so I took pictures of it...

Ooooooooo, pretty!!!

Then we went to bed. The next morning we woke up, had breakfast with J's dad at the local supermarket coffee shop, and hit the local historical site on our way out of town...

More specifically...

Then we all learned how Lake Minnewaska got it's name...

To finish off our trip, I took pictures of the view of Glenwood to the east from on top of Princess Minnewaska (yes, I know, it made me giggle, too)...

To the west...

Finally, a group shot of the 3 Twins Citians...

And that, girls and boys, is the story of the weekend in Glenwood. The End.

Addition to my "list"

2007-06-08T14:52:00.000-07:00

I just realized I left a significant individual off of my list a while ago.

Enrique Iglesias!

What was I thinking? He's hot.

The Most Ridiculous Mall in the Whole Wide World

2007-06-08T11:46:00.000-07:00

About a week or so ago, I went to the Maplewood Mall to get my oil changed. As I was waiting to get my truck back, I saw two of the most insane things ever. Fortunately, I had my cell phone with me to take pictures because I don't think anyone would have believed this level of absurdity. (Although me trying to get the perfect picture of these things with my cell was probably absurd sight number 3. I got some really strange looks from people, especially as I took pictures of #2.)

1) The carousel at the mall.

Is it just me, or are the decorative accents on the horses' heads on the carousel actually static dusters?

Duster:

Carousel:

Duster:

Carousel:

Duster:

OK...you get the point.

2) So, if the dusters attached to horses' heads wasn't enough...then I saw this thing directly outside of RadioShack:

I almost fell over laughing. I went in to RadioShack for the sole purpose of asking the guy that worked there how many people actually used this cologne sample dispenser. He hadn't even noticed it!!! I felt bad for just going in to RadioShack to ask that question, so then I had to start browsing, and I actually wound up buying something. But I told the guy that when it's slow, he should just stand in the doorway and watch the cologne dispenser and see if anything happens. I know that's what I would do.

Accuracy in Weather Forcasting

2007-06-07T19:21:00.000-07:00

The news stations were all warning us this morning about the end of the world this morning. We were supposed to get "violent" storms with clouds like these:

Leading to storms like these:

That could create hail like these:

At about 11am.

Instead, I had this scene out my office window at 11:05am. And did all day:

Accurate, I would say.

No flying cows. No swirling witches. No sky-produced slushies. Just sun. Blue sky. I mean, I closed all of the windows in my apartment, turned off my computer and parked my truck far from trees for this:

Oh well. Next time.

Randomness...

2007-06-06T18:05:00.000-07:00

1) This is my new favorite TV ad:

2) I had to get new ink for my printer. So I took out my old cartridges and figured, "I'll try this ink refill thing at Office Max." I get there, and it's $17 to refill the color cartridge and $13 to fill the black one. So $30. Hmmm. Then I look at the new cartridges behind the counter, and it's $31 for the new ones. So I decide that for $1 I will get the new ones. Then it turns out that I get $6 back for recycling the old ones...so the total is like $27 with tx instead of $34 with tax. What??? Why is it cheaper to buy new ones than to refill old ones? Oh well. So I did it. Now I can print again.

3) Aren't these flowers pretty? I took these pictures at the Minnesota Landscape Arboretum a few weeks ago.

4) With all of the money put into the Olympics, why can't they ever get the logo/mascot thing right? Case in point, Atlanta's Izzy (Whatizit?)...

And...have you seen the 2012 London logo?

This is reason enough to take the Olympics away from them and give it to, oh, maybe, Baghdad. It has caused concerns about giving people epileptic seizures!

I was telling Boof earlier today that it looks like some bad 80s kids cartoon gone bad (with the animation). The static logo looks like some 2 year old's foam puzzle that hasn't been put together properly. Apparently, someone in England agrees with me! Listen closely:

I love being right!

Summer Movie Sequel Madness!

2007-06-06T16:53:00.000-07:00

What a great summer for sequels! I'm going to hit up what I'm excited about, which includes 1 that I have already seen. Here goes!

Spiderman 3

Release date: Already Out

I saw this one! I liked it, even though my moviemates didn't. But they don't like any movies I like, so I ignore their opinion now. Here's the thing, you know it's a comic book come to life...and you know there's going to be some kind of love story between Spidey and Kirsten Dunst's character (whose name I can never remember - Mary-something, never can remember the second part of it), and there's going to be some relatively cheesy bad guys. The action was great, the story was cool, and there was a kinda neat twist (at least I thought it was). I say, go see it.

Pirates 3: At World's End

Release Date: Already Out

Haven't seen it yet, but definitely want to! I loved Pirates I & II...and can't wait to see III. Need to make that plan!

Ocean's 13

Release Date: June 8th

The movie that I am second-most excited about seeing this summer. I liked Ocean's 12, even though a lot of other people didn't. I'm really excited about 13 because they even said they kind of half-assed 12, and they did 13 right. I just think that Danny Ocean (George Clooney) is hysterical in these movies. His facial expressions are priceless.

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer

Release Date: June 15th

Ok, I didn't like the first one at all. In fact, upon exiting the movie, I immediately called The Mom and yelled at her for making me see it. And I knew that there was going to be a sequel, and I swore I wouldn't see it. But the previews for this one look good, and I hate to admit I actually want to see it.

Harry Potter: And some other title is here, don't know it.

Release Date: Sometime this summer

Felt like I had to throw it in there. Everyone's talking about it. But I really don't care. Is this like the 6th movie? I saw the 2nd one...that's it. Didn't get it. Oh well. Here it is.

Bourne Ultimatum

Release Date: NOT SOON ENOUGH, AKA August 3

THIS is the movie I am most excited about. I LOVED the Bourne Identity and the Bourne Supremacy. I just can't wait!

Movie Review: Knocked Up

2007-06-03T19:30:00.000-07:00

The Steph, attempting to be cheery...

I have really seen a lot of movies since I did my last review, but I just have been too freaking lazy to type them out. Or to Google their respective movie posters. But last night I did see one of the funniest movies I have ever seen...so I might as well write about it!

Knocked Up
On the surface, this movie looks like a total chic flick - it's movie about a girl getting pregnant. Which, since I could be classified as a "chic" due to my status as a female, I would have no problem with. But it's not just a chick flick...guys and girls alike will love it...and did at the theatre. In fact, I was probably seated in one of the most reactive audiences I have ever heard.

Example:
Cue: Baby on Screen
Audience (all together now): "AWWWWWWWWW"

But it was just full of line after line after line of funny lines. Just absolutely laugh out loud hilarious. Right up there with "Anchorman," "40 Year Old Virgin," "Wedding Crashers" and the like. It has Paul Ruud in it, who I think it hilarious. And it has the guy who plays Marshall in "How I Met Your Mother," and I love that show. So the cast is great, too.

That's really all I can say about it...because you have to go see it for yourself...it's just plain funny! I know, I know - shallow, simple, useless movie review. Oh well!

Replacing a giant hole...with another giant hole

2007-05-30T08:53:00.001-07:00

You may remember back in November when I went back to Florida to visit The Family, and we extracted numerous giant pygmy palms from the front of The House, because The Mom tends to plant things that get too big there. The story gets better. And I didn't think that was possible.

On a whim a few weeks ago, The Mom bought a bunch of koi. Yes, koi. These things:

She bought them for no reason other than they were for sale at a plant sale.

So, now she has koi. But no koi pond. Had no plans to build one. Didn't have one to start. Fortunately for her, she has a part-time landscaper living with her right now (that's an interesting story). So he's building her a koi pond with some help from The Dad, in exchange for free housing. He is joining koi clubs as part of this operation, he has attended seminars, he has shopped around for the best deals. And then they broke ground.

I wish we had known this then...so we didn't have to fill in the holes created by the trees. They are recreating all the work we had undone!

I am afraid to go back to visit. I don't know what's going to happen next there.

Coffee Crazies

2007-05-29T07:33:00.001-07:00

Some of you may be surprised to find out that my wonderful energy and hyper, loving nature is not always 100% naturally produced. At times, my normal physiological supremecy is supplemented by caffeine in the form of coffee. I know, hard to believe. Consider this to be my confession. Much like how a cold, fresh microbrew on an outdoor patio at a local bar is a great way to end a day of work, a hot (or cold, sometimes, during the summer) fresh cup of coffee is a wonderful way to begin said day.

I'm currently house-sitting for a friend, but I had to run by my apartment today to get clothes for work, on my way to work, because I realized I had no work clothes with me! So this morning I stopped by my apartment, and then realized, I needed a coffee. On most days I drive an extra .23 miles past my office to Ginkgo, a little coffee house that is locally owned, has a lot of fair trade and organic stuff. The coffee is way better than any of the massive chains, and about 1/3 the price. It's great. And it's a happy place...I normally run into someone I know there, and everyone is pretty chipper.

But there is another local coffeeshop that I absolutely adore, but it's just a little bit out of my way. (More on that in a paragraph.) It's called Brewberry's, and I don't think it has a website - at least not one that I can find. And it's located directly across the street from a Caribou Coffee. Now, I have nothing against Caribou. I actually like it. And this particular Caribou is really close to where I go to college hockey games, so I typically stop there on the way to games. Of course part of that has always been because Brewberry's isn't open at night. (Or I should say, wasn't. It now stays open til 9 on Fridays and Saturdays - so this coming winter, I can get Brewberry's on my way to games!) Anyway, back on topic, I have decided that Brewberry's may have the best coffee in the Twin Cities.

As I am driving to Brewberry's this morning, I was thinking, "Gosh, I must really want this coffee. By now I could have gone to Ginkgo, bought my coffee, added my cream and sugar, and been back in the parking lot of my office. Instead, I haven't even made it to the coffee shop yet." Now granted, Brewberry's is way out of my way and in the opposite direction of work. Exactly how far out of the way you ask? Funny you should ask...I figured it out for you!

Some basic calculations...thanks to the help of Mapquest...
My house to work: 1.95 miles
My house to Brewberry's: 3.81 miles
Brewberry's to work: 3.31 miles
Ginkgo to work: .23 miles

Difference between going to Brewberry's and Ginkgo: 3.08 miles

Satisfaction in getting that perfect cup of coffee: Priceless!

Granted, I also pay 25 more cents for a Brewberry's large coffee - $1.65 vs. $1.90 (gulp!). But it's worth it.

Oh, and then to top it off, I get to Brewberry's, and I realize that I have left my cash, driver's license and ATM card in the pocket of the jeans I was wearing last night. So I had to pay with the quarters thrown into the bottom of my purse, it was rather comical. (That's where my loose change goes to die, Boof.)

I bet The Dad could calculate for me, based on the above coffee prices and distances, figuring about 18-19 miles per gallon city driving in my truck, and with my last fill-up at $3.19 per gallon of gas, how much extra I paid this morning for a Brewberry's coffee instead of a Ginkgo coffee. Or if any of the other 3 readers of this blog are so mathmatically gifted to figure it out, let me know the damage!

The Steph's Guide to Landscaping

2007-05-28T16:46:00.000-07:00

This weekend was The Steph's dream...I went to Home Depot not once, but twice - and filled my truck both times! I also went to a giant garden store and filled my truck there. I also had the opportunity to go to Sam's Club and get a giant soda for 47 cents. The only real tie-in between that and the gardening is that it was on the way home and we had to get chicken for the grill. However none of the wonderous things purchased at any of these places were for me...well, except for the soda. I spent the past 3 days helping a friend, B, do the landscaping/gardening to fill in some garden space created when he had a new stone patio added to his house. What a great adventure!

The whole story started a couple weeks ago when B made the mistake of asking myself and another friend about our opinions regarding what he should do with some landscaping he was going to have done. He knows nothing about plants or trees or flowers or dirt or mulch, so he wanted to see what the two of us thought. So we looked at the landscapers' estimates, looked at his yard and said, "Well, we can do this for you - for a lot cheaper!" For some reason he agreed, and off we went!

Over the last few weeks we have taken some scouting trips. We went to the Minnesota Landscape Arboretum for ideas, and hit a couple garden and home improvement stores. During all of these trips, B cultivated his ideas, and decided upon what he wanted. And on Saturday, it all started to fall in to place!

Saturday morning we gathered up at his house, and to start off the project, many feet of lower branches of some giant pine trees were cut out because they were dead or looked like crap. Therefore leaving a giant clearing under each tree - which will be landscaped at a later point in time. And then the other friend went home, and B and I headed off to the garden center to buy plants!

When all was said and done, we went home with the following list of items in my truck (I have pulled some pictures as examples!):

* 3 dwarf lilac bushes

* 2 weigelas

* 60 yellow snapdragons (1 flat)

* 60 verbena (1 flat)
* 2 big Lambs Ears
* 1 salvia

* 1 of something else I can't remember

* 3 random herbs

* 2 succulant creeper things that are pretty cool.

So we got these all back to B's house, and ended the day.

On Sunday, B and I got going early and went to Home Depot! The happiest place on earth! We got a laundry list of great stuff:

* 6 bags of cypress mulch

* 10 bags of top soil

* 1 container of fresh transplant-friendly fertilizer

* 1 giant container of fertilizer/weed killer

* 1 hose nozzle

* 1 pair of gardening gloves (for The Steph)

And then we planted everything! So that was Sunday.

Then today we needed more mulch and top soil. So we headed BACK to Home Depot! And bought 18 more bags of mulch and 4 more bags of top soil. And it completely filled my lil truck. It was rather awesome.

I was reminded that there are always 2 types of people at Home Depot/Lowes, pick your poison...

Type A: People that are really excited about this great home improvement/gradening/repair project they are about to start and will talk to anyone and anything in the store. They will convince you to buy a certain flower or a color paint to compliment a sneaker. Or they will offer their expert opinion on everything from lawn mowers to fertilizer to light fixtures. I have decided that I am one of these people. As is everyone in my family.

Type B: People who are really pissed off to be in the store because either something broke and they have to fix it or his wife is making him do something and he would rather be watching the hockey/basketball/baseball/NASCAR race/poker tourney on TV. These people inevitably wind up in the longest lines, don't have scan codes for prices on the one item they grabbed, and then they get stopped for approval in the self check-out line.

One other thing that always cracks me up...no matter what you have in your basket - be it 1 tiny daisy, 87 bags of mulch, the repair kit for a toilet or a broom...the person next to/behind/in front of you in line will say, "Got a lot of work to do this weekend, eh?"

It amuses me - isn't that why EVERYONE is at Home Depot? Because they have something to do and they are going to do it with the something they will buy.

And then we went back and finished the mulching part of the job. It turned out great, B has a beautiful patio area, and he saved a ton of money using my green thumb.

Gosh, I hope everything lives!

I joined an exclusive club...

2007-05-28T12:21:00.000-07:00

Well, not really...but I did join a fun club!

Last night while enjoying a beverage at Old Chicago, I was convinced to join the World Beer Tour club thing. It didn't take much convincing, honestly. But the whole experience was rather entertaining.

I had 1 beer...so I am now just 9 beers away from owning playing cards. 24 beers away from a clip-on watch with compass. 39 beers away from a bottle opener. 54 beers away from a t-shirt. 69 beers away from a travel mug (For beer?? That doesn't seem smart.). 84 beers away from a baseball cap. 99 beers away from a cooler. And finally, 109 beers away from a sweatshirt and name emblazoned on a plaque in the Hall of Foam.

My dad would be so proud if I were to get to that level. **tear**

Proof I'm not a traitor...

2007-05-28T00:24:00.001-07:00

Just so you don't all think I'm a Red Sox-lover...I couldn't live with that...

Here's me working at a Devil Rays' affiliate stadium back in '97 (yes, definitely can't be a Red Sox fan if you do that!)...

Here's me at Yankee Stadium in the same summer! Giving the #1 sign!!

Memories...

2007-05-25T19:40:00.001-07:00

Haha...I can't believe there is actually a picture of me standing (gulp!!) in Fenway Park out there.. [that's me on the far left, with some of the front office staff and other interns that I worked with in my first internship in baseball in NY]

In my defense, I was young, stupid and didn't know any better. It was the first summer after my frosh year of college, I was naive, bored...

HAHA! This is great. CM...thanks for bringing back the memories!

This pisses me off...

2007-05-25T11:17:00.000-07:00

The father of Josh Hancock, the St. Louis Cardinals pitcher who died when he drove his SUV into the back of a tow truck while completely plowed, has filed a lawsuit against the restaurant that served him beer, the driver of the tow truck that Hancock hit, and the driver of the stalled car that was being helped by the tow truck driver. He is NOT suing the Cardinals or MLB - at least at this point in time.

Spare me.

Here's the rationale for each part of the lawsuit (taken directly from above article).

VS. Mike Shannon's (Restaurant)
"Mokwa [police chief] said Hancock went to Mike Shannon's not long after the Cardinals played a day game against the Chicago Cubs on April 28. The lawsuit claimed that Hancock was a regular at the restaurant bar and was there for more than 3½ hours.
'It's understood that for the entire 3½ hours that Josh Hancock was there that he was handed drinks,' Keith Kantack, a lawyer for Dean Hancock, said. 'It's our understanding that from the moment Josh Hancock entered Mike Shannon's that night that he was never without a drink.'"

VS. Driver of Stalled Car
"The lawsuit claimed Tolar [driver of stalled car] was negligent in allowing his vehicle to reach the point where it stalled on the highway and for failing to move it out of the way of oncoming traffic. A police report said the car became stalled when it spun out after being cut off by another vehicle."

VS. Tow Truck Company
"Police said Hargrove [drive of tow truck] noticed the stalled vehicle and stopped to help. The report said he told officers he was there five to seven minutes before his truck was hit by Hancock's SUV. But Kantack [lawyer for Hancock's *&^%$* father] said the tow truck may have been there up to 15 minutes, yet failed to get the stalled vehicle out of the way.
'Were the police contacted?' Kantack asked. 'Why weren't flares put out? Why was the tow truck there for an exorbitant amount of time?'"

The article also points out that Hancock "had a blood alcohol content of nearly twice the legal limit when he crashed into the back of the tow truck. He was also speeding and using a cell phone and wasn't wearing a seat belt, police chief Joe Mokwa said after the accident. Marijuana was also found in the SUV."

Here is my list of questions and observations:
1) Hancock was a 29-year old adult. He could have rejected drinks, slowed down, traded them in for soda. I know everyone will say the same crap about the pressure of the social situation, everyone is giving him drinks, etc. But you know what, he's a 29-year old adult, still. And especially taking all of that into consideration, did Hancock's dad think about the fact that his son may never have even spoken to an employee at Mike Shannon's? I would bet that other people bought all of those drinks and brought them over to him...he probably never actually ordered himself a drink - therefore never giving a server the chance to say, "You're cut off."

2) Well, obviously when 1 car is cut off by another and crashes and stalls on the highway, it's his own fault for letting that happen. Sometimes bad accidents happen to good people...sometimes accidents are really just accidents - not loaded, drunk morons talking on a cell phone slamming into tow trucks on a highway.

3) Much better for the tow truck not to stop and for the stalled car to just get slammed into by Hancock's SUV - therefore probably killing the innocent stalled car driver while Hancock walks away with 6 stitches in his eyebrow.

4) 5-7 minutes as "an exorbitant amount of time?" Seriously? And calling the police would have probably SLOWED DOWN the clean-up process. Therefore endangering at least 3-5 moronic drunk, high idiots on cell phones.

5) I suppose the fact that Hancock "had a blood alcohol content of nearly twice the legal limit when he crashed into the back of the tow truck...was also speeding and using a cell phone and wasn't wearing a seat belt...[and] (m)arijuana was also found in the SUV" had absolutely NOTHING to do with the accident. As far as I'm concerned, Papa Hancock should also sue Budweiser, the car manufacturer and the seat belt manufacturer because the seat belt didn't automatically close around his son, the cell phone company for allowing it to operate in a moving vehicle, the girl that Hancock was chatting with and his pot dealer.

6) I hope that the judge throws this frivolous suit out. And then sues Papa Hancock for wasting his time. And when the suit is thrown out, I may sue Papa Hancock for wasting my time since I had to write this blog about it.

Thank you for not parking crooked.

2007-05-24T12:06:00.001-07:00

So a male (yes, this is relevant) co-worker walks into my office and says, "I want to thank you...for being the only female in our office that can PARK STRAIGHT!"

Here's the proof...see the pictures (taken with my cell, so they aren't the best, but they do protect the identities of the guilty parties because you can't see their license plates!), and then I'll identify the gender of the owner of each car...

Close ups of the worst violators:

Now, the wide shots of all cars, with driver gender identity:

From left to right: (Grey station wagon) Male, Female, Female, Female, Female (Bright blue sedan)

From left to right: (Grey SUV) Female, Male, Female -ME! (Red Truck)

Hmmm. We teased them. Let's see what happens tomorrow!

*****************************************************

In separate, yet completely unrelated news...Batgirl is shutting down her blog. It's even one of the most emailed stores on the Strib online. The worst part about this is no more Legovision! Legovision should be incorporated into everyday life. A Legovision reenactment of the above parking situation would have been way more entertaining than what actually happened...

American Idol Recap

2007-05-24T06:31:00.000-07:00

Well, as I said yesterday, American Idol came to a close last night (that means the "So You Think You Can Dance?" starts TONIGHT! And to think I almost lost my brain for a second and thought about buying tickets to see Pirates III for opening night instead of watching the first episode of "Dance." Obviously, I hadn't had my coffee yet this morning. Pirates III will have to wait for this rainy Memorial Day weekend to come).
And the winner is Jordin Sparks! Big deal. She doesn't excite me. My take - she has annoying facial expressions, does the annoying numbers thing for encouraging people to vote for her WAY too much, wears curtains for dresses for some reason (thanks, EA, for pointing out what it was that she has been wearing this season), and would be better off as a Broadway or musical singer. A friend thinks she would be better as an animated movie song singer. I don't think that's a compliment...

But anyway, now that the cattiness over the winner is done...let's get to the show recap...

* Smokey Robinson. Awesome singer, great stage presence, way too much plastic surgery. He had the shinest, tightest cheeks and forehead I have ever seen on a human being. The guy is 67. He should have at least 1 wrinkle. I don't think you could get cheeks that shiny by rolling in cooking grease. My gosh.

* Tony Bennett. The guy is about 147 years old. Ok, he's only 80, but that's close to 147. But his vocal cords are shot, and he doesn't really sing anymore. He just talks his lines, or yells them at the intense parts of the songs. Yet, just by simply walking onto the stage, people go nuts, and they cheer him on during key exciting moments just like he was still in his prime and sounds spectacular. People, please don't continue to encourage him...or any other too old singer...that tries to get up on stage and perform like it's 1954. Shouldn't we want to, and shouldn't he want us to, remember him as a great legend with a smooth, soothing voice? Rather than some old guy who has a death grip on the microphone that just yells the lines to a Tony Bennett classic?

* Bette Midler. Should. Be. Embarrassed. This keeps with my theory that old singers should not come back and perform when they are past their prime and their vocal cords have undergone some strange transformation. She absolutely ruined "The Wind Beneath My Wings" - AND IT'S HER SONG! She sounded horrible. It was amazing how bad she could sound. She was off-key, her timing sucked, I had to put my hands over my ears. It was bad. Supposedly she is replacing Celine Dion in Vegas. There's no way after last night. Worst. Comeback. Performance. Ever. Here's the proof:

* Golden Idol Awards. They weren't as funny this year. But nothing could top this moment from last year...which never gets old...and which still makes me cry no matter how many times I have seen it:

(Oh my gosh, I just watched it again. I'm crying. That is way too classic. It's still the funniest moment in television history.)

* All of the other winners. Minus Fantasia. And honestly - that was not a loss. But they were all there and they all performed. And they were all decent.

Other than that, a basic finale. Not as memorable or great as last year. Or let me take that back, last year was memorable for the great performances. I think this year was more memorable for the horrible performances from old people. But overall, an enjoyable 2 hours of television. Now, on to "Dance!"

Reality Show Predictions

2007-05-23T08:36:00.000-07:00

As American Idol finishes up season 87, I'm going out on a limb here for the next round of reality shows, which began airing last night. I'm going to predict both the BEST and the WORST of the Summer '07 Reality Show Season for you. So I'll save you the time and pain of watching the worst, and will give you the inside scoop on how to best spend your TV watching energy.

The Winner of The Steph's Pre-Season Award for WORST Show of the Summer '07 Reality Show Season
(I have yet to find a trophy company that can get all of those words onto a medal...maybe if I drop down to 3pt font?)
Show: Age of Love

Network: NBC
Series Premiere: Monday, June 18th
Host: Mark Consuelos of "All My Children" fame and husband of Kelly Ripa...which obviously qualifies him to host something. If only to have an excuse to get out of the house more.
Premise: 30-year old Mark Philippoussis (Yeah, you try spelling that!), former tennis star and heartthrob (notice that I am actually using the word "former" to modify both "tennis star" and "heartthrob") meets his mate in yet another version of "The Bachelor." This time, a bunch of 40+ women compete with a bunch of 20-somethings just out of college for his heart, to answer the questions "Is love blind?" and "Does age really matter?"
The Steph's Take: The answers to both questions, when regarding a millionaire washed-up tennis star whose looks have left him at the ripe old age of 30 are respectively "No." and "Yes." The only way to make the show interesting would be to bring back some of his former high-profile love interests - such as Paris Hilton...and see who can match up (get the pun!?) with the girls on the show. Or his ex-fiance! Philippoussis seems awkward in the teases for the show, is not the hottie he once was, and we all know the result already...some blonde ditzy 24-year old will win his heart. Just watch the finale...which will be a showdown between said blonde and a 46-year old brunette with a bad manicure, and that's all you will need. Needless to say, I will watch the show from the start just to prove my point. But you don't need to, I will keep you updated.

And now...the moment you have all been waiting for...

The Winner of The Steph's Pre-Season Award for BEST Show of the Summer '07 Reality Show Season
Show: So You Think You Can Dance?
Network: FOX
Series Premiere: Thursday, May 24th (Yes, tomorrow!!)
Host: Cat Deeley (Some British chic who supposedly does other stuff, too, but I have never seen her on anything else)
Premise: The American Idol for dancers. Last year the winner got a 1-year contract to dance in Celine Dion's show in Vegas (not much of a prize if you ask me...but I don't think her show lasted the whole year he was under contract, so maybe it wasn't such a bad deal!). I have no idea what this year's winner gets.
The Steph's Take: Last year was so much fun to watch! The dancers are always amazing, the choreography is unreal, the dancers all have to do different dances - both in pairs and as individuals. So you get to see everything from hip hop to the samba to the Viennese waltz to K.R.U.M.P. It can be hysterical at times, moving at others...and just plain fun to watch. 'Nuf said. Plus, the intro music just makes you want to get up and dance in your living room!

You will all be thanking me for this advice come September.

Twins' Dump

2007-05-22T14:31:00.001-07:00

So I am on the Twins' website today, checking out the upcoming Memorial Weekend game schedule...and this headline with a teaser catches my eye:

Twins Avoid Trouble At Site of New Ballpark
In a last-minute decision, a possible disaster was avoided when an underground sewage system was discovered beneath the site of the Twins' new ballpark. As a result, the Minnesota Ballpark Authority can be sure construction will begin soon.

Well, I was teased. I had to click.

Turns out the article mentions that there was some outdated sewer system under where they plan to build the park...and if it hadn't been noticed and fixed, the city would have stunk like Oscar the Grouch's homebase until the next Twins stadium was built.

But that's not the best part...the best part is that when you read the article, there is a little picture, like this:

And then under that is a caption, like this:
The Twins discovered an outdated sewage system beneath the ballpark's construction site. (Twins)

My questions are:

"REALLY?"

"Which Twins discovered an outdated sewage system beneath the ballpark's contruction site?"

"Is this what Mauer does while on the DL?"

"What qualifications/certifications do they have to determine that the sewage system is outdated?"

"Did he/they go through that training in the off-season?"

"Did he/they have to wear hard hats while inspecting the site or did they just get to wear batting helmets?"

Inquiring minds want to know the important things.

Jackie Robinson Day Color Confusion

2007-05-18T11:32:00.000-07:00

I've been neglecting my blog. Seriously. But I've been busy...really, honestly, I have. And I haven't had a ton of creative/exciting stuff happen that I can write about. But I'm back. I think.

There has been 1 thing over the past 3 months that I have really wanted to take the time to sit down and write about - but I just haven't put the energy into it. But now I finally will!

Sunday, April 15th was Jackie Robinson Day in Major League Baseball. For everyone who lives under a rock or claims ignorance about who Jackie Robinson is/was...look it up yourself...at Jackie's HOF page. I happened to go to the Twins game that day, and was absolutely astonished and amazed by what I saw...in a bad way. I thought at first I was overreacting, until I talked to a bunch of other people that had been there, had been to a baseball game once in their lives or had heard the name Jackie Robinson before...and I realized that my thoughts were right in line with everyone else.

It was the whitest celebration of breaking the color barrier in baseball that I have ever seen. It was a little embarrassing and shocking. And it lacked being a true tribute to a man who helped open so many doors.

Here's a run-down of what I saw:

* Tori Hunter shaking the hands of a line-up of white people (there may have been 1 black person in the line)...but with no real understandable explanation (the acoustics stink in the Dome and sometimes I have no idea what's going on on the field). The only connection I saw was Hunter was wearing #42 - Robinson's number.

* Joe Mauer (he's a white catcher) receiving his batting title recognition. (Yes - before everyone jumps on me, I know it was award weekend, or whatever...but seriously - at least recognize someone the played the same position if you don't have any black players to honor.)

* Joe Mauer (he's still white) baseball cards handed out at the gate.

* Recognition for Joe Mauer (did I mention he's white) and Justin Morneau (also white) being honored for their Silver Slugger awards from the previous season.

* A bunch of white middle school kids (BADLY) singing the National Anthem.

* 1 mid-game video tribute to Larry Doby (first black player in the American League).

* MLB-produced Jackie Robinson booklets passed out at the gate.

I'm sorry, but someone really missed a great opportunity for an amazing educational experience and tribute. I remember the year that MLB retired Jackie Robinson's number...it was in celebration of the 50th anniversary of his debut, and it was emotional and amazing then. And could still be. Honestly, the Twins had 60 years to plan for this tribute day, if you think about it sarcastically. The date of Jackie Robinson's MLB debut is still, and will always be, April 15, 1947 - so hopefully a little more thought is put into this celebration for the 61st anniversary in about 11 months.

Fruitopia

2007-02-08T13:13:00.000-08:00

Just in case anyone thought I was joking anytime I talked about rare fruit or weird fruit or stuff like that, here is a picture of part of the display that my parents' rare fruit tree club has put up at the Florida State Fair. Click on the picture to get a larger version AND learn what fruit is what!

Here's the whole display:

Doesn't that just make you hungry?

It's Winter

2007-02-06T07:34:00.000-08:00

I've been incredibly inactive in blogging lately. Not because nothing exciting has happened in my life. Excitement follows me around. It's my middle name. But it never happens to me when I'm near a computer. And then I forget about it. Plus, this pesky "work" part of my life has been keeping me pretty busy. Blah, blah, blah. Enough excuses. Time for just plain randomness.

* It's snowing today. Nothing too exciting with that, except for the stupid people that brings out. Coupled with the fact that it hasn't been above zero in days, which means that it feels warmer because it's snowing. To me, it feels like it's about 6 degrees. But back to the stupid people. So the roads suck, and it has snowed more than an inch already, with no signs of letting up (despite the fact that the meterologists said that we wouldn't even get an inch in the cities and it would be stopped by now, but they aren't the stupid people I'm talking about...this time). To me, the least logical mode of transportation in 1+ inches of snow in an place where they don't plow until the storm is done, if we're lucky, when it's -5 out, would be a bike. But of course, as I pull out of the driveway to my apartment this morning, some moron is on a bike, going in the same direction as I am heading, and gets to my driveway just before I pull out. So I'm stuck behind A BIKE. And I can't get around him because there's a very narrow part of the road that has been traveled upon, and there are cars coming head-on, and I'm not sure it's smart to venture into the slippery part of the road and risk taking out myself, The Stupid Biker and an oncoming SUV. Instead, I have to wait behind the dumbass until I get to the light. Of course, he thinks I want to get around him (true), and slows down, thinking that because he's slowing down, that clears the way for me to get around him (NOT TRUE...only getting off the damn road does that, moron). I hope he falls off his bike.

* If the stupid biker wasn't enough, I turn right at the light, and there's a school bus pulled over to the side of the road with his hazard lights on. Not the flashing red or even yellow lights, just his hazards. So I go around him, because you only have to stop for school buses if they have the flashing red lights on at the top. Well, apparently he was waiting for the slow-ass kid and his mom to get out of their car, which must have been half a block down the road because I didn't see them as I went through the "gotta pause and see if I have missed something and double-check for the flashing red lights because I go around the bus and get pulled over for endangering the life of a little kid" moment. As I crept around the bus and got in front of it, I saw the mom and kid running up to the door and jumping on the bus - but the bus never turned on the flashing red lights. But people were stopped behind him. Oh well. It's snowing, it's -5, and the bus doesn't put on the red lights to signal "Stop and don't hit this kid." Not my fault.

* But other than that, things are great. Except for Super Bowl ads. Did anyone else notice that the Coke ads were the ones they have been showing in movie theatres for months? Those weren't Super Bowl ads! If I'm going to sit through the commercials, I want to see original ads made just for me for that day. Screw that recycled ad stuff. Blah. The only funny ad was the one with the assembly line machine that jumped/fell off the bridge when it got fired for dropping a screw, in his dream. That was funny stuff. And a couple of the Bud Light ads were funny, although at times...incredibly politically incorrect - meaning they will never be aired again.

* Prince is awesome. All he has to do is stand on a stage and sing. They don't need all of that other song and dance and crap. He can stand on a cool-shaped stage with his cool-shaped purple guitar and sing and everyone will be happy. Best halftime. Great. I was slightly disappointed that he sold out and wore the crappy Dolphins colors, but I guess if anyone can pull it off, he can. I wish he had worn purple though. And when was the last time you saw any kind of half time show (and I include cheesy parade performances, too) where the performer actually sang? Prince sang. For real. Good job.

* I'm tapped out. My brain is fried because I've been eliminating soda from my diet because things like milk, OJ and water are better for you (so I've been told), and I've had so few Cokes in the last few weeks that I think it's affecting my mental capacity. At least that's what I've been telling myself. I have also had a severe shortage in happy hour outings lately, which is probably affecting my ability to practice my social interaction skills. I'm boring.

Choppin' Down The Trees!

2007-01-05T17:39:00.000-08:00

It wouldn't be a holiday break at The Family's house in FL without the destruction of something. And of course the destruction of something that involves a lot of muscle, sweat and tears. And a broken finger nail. Or two.

This time, The Mom decided that she wanted The Dad and The Steph to help remove three gigantic branches of this willowesque tree that were growing into the pond in front of The House. These pictures don't really do the takeover justice! But you can get the feel for the task at hand.

After analyzing the situation and evaluating our tools in hand, we created a game plan. The Family was split up into 4 main roles:

1) The Sister - Tree Avoider. Her job was to leave and go to work and avoid any and all manual labor on the property.

2) The Dad - Tree Chopper. His role was to fix and activate the chain saw following any damage sustained during the last attempt at tree chopping over Thanksgiving break.

3) The Mom - Tree Puller. She was to sit on the tractor and pull the tree out of the water after The Dad chopped it from the mainland.

4) The Steph - Tree Lassoer. I was to climb and lasso the tree with the rope prior to The Tree Chopper and The Tree Puller being activated for duty.

After establishing duties, we decided that we were going to need some strong rope. The Mom and The Steph were sent out to the local hardware store in search of acceptable rope. There were many, many options at the local Ace Hardware Store (no longer the place with the helpful hardware man...now, to be politically correct and urban-hip, it's the place with the helpful hardware peeps).

First, we had the wall of rope-by-the-foot.

Then, we had the wall of pre-packaged and pre-measured rope. Decisions, decisions.

Ultimately, we went with this rope:

After acquiring our rope, The Mom and I returned home to find The Dad contemplating the fate of The Tractor. As you may remember, The Tractor is integral to any tree extraction operation at The Family's house. It's one and only role in this job is to pull the tree...that's why we got the rope. And it wouldn't start. So The Dad tried to jump it by using The Jeep.

As you can probably tell, that wasn't too successful, therefore puzzling The Parents. So The Dad removed the battery and attached it to the charger. In the meantime, The Dad worked on The Chain Saw. Another integral part of any tree extraction. That worked.

Since The Mom and I were now rendered useless since we didn't have a tractor to drive and it didn't do me any good to start lassoing trees since we couldn't pull them out of the water, we went out to work in the greenhouse.

While in the greenhouse, The Mom looked up and gasped. I looked up and screamed like a little girl and ran back outside.

Because this is what we saw:

I ran and got The Dad, who took down the gigantic snake skin and put in on the table for it's photo opp. (Once it had been established that the snake was no longer around, and the snake skin was corralled, I returned with The Camera. Another integral tool in any kind of yard work done with The Family that may cause me to laugh and need to blog about it.)

After incapacitating the snake skin, we went back outside, where Denny was playing with a stuffed duck. Yes, we have a sick sense of humor. That stuffed duck was Denny's Christmas present.

Eventually, we finished wasting time and stalling, The Tractor started up, and we went to work.

Our first task was to take out this branch:

So I climbed out there to begin the tree lassoing process. (Don't try this at home, kids.)

It is a delicate process, requiring great concentration.

And the assistance of a canine unit.

Who tried to knock me off the tree, forcing me into a ballet display.

Before I won and he fell off.

Then The Tree Chopper chopped The Tree Branch. (I missed the action shot because I was running inside to get more batteries for The Camera. Booo.)

And then The Tree Puller pulled the tree to shore.

And then The Tree Chopper chopped some more, cutting the tree up into little pieces to add to the burn pile.

Then I began the lassoing process for branch #2.

This time, my position was a little more precarious.

But I succeeded.

And that limb was removed, I am just sparing you the morbid details.

Then we had the 3rd and final and most challenging branch. The Branch Mostly Covered By Water.

I'll spare you the details of that extraction, too. But trust me, we got it out.

So the next task was to put all of the branches on the trailer and pull it with our friendly tractor. We created the first load, and The Mom attempted to pull away from the scene with the trailer. And that's when the wheels just fell off of the operation. Literally. The wheel fell off the trailer.

Now we were in a bit of a pickle. We had a HUGE pile of tree branches and trunks to burn, we were far away from the burn pile, and we had no way to get them there. I went to the fence line with our neighbor to talk to one of his employees. (Our neighbors own a tree farm, and although they were in TN or someplace on vacation, their workers were tending the land.) I and asked him if we could borrow a trailer to attach to our tractor. He said sure, come on over. So I did. And I left with not only his trailer, but also his tractor! And what a cool tractor it was. You had to shift it! (Just like my truck I pointed out to Felipe, who didn't seem amused by that observation.)

We were able to load up all of the wood in 1 trip and bring it to the back of the property to the burn pile!

Mac and The Mom watched.

And The Mom watched Mac chase lizards on the citrus trees.

While The Dad and The Steph unloaded the giant trailer.

And then there was none!

And then I had to return the tractor to its home next door.

For the grand finale, the after pictures:

And look, you can see the house reflected in the water, now!

A successful event! No humans were injured (this time) in the making of this blog.

The Steph's Christmas Vacation

2006-12-27T04:53:00.000-08:00

Well, so far on this trip to visit The Family in The Sunshine State, I have not torn out a tree from the ground, chopped a tree to the ground, or planted a tree. In fact, I have been here almost 60 hours and haven't touched dirt yet. I'm beginning to think something is wrong...with either me or The Family. The Dad keeps referencing finding things when they pack to move again, so I'm a little concerned that my keys to the house won't work if I ever decide to fly down and surprise The Family with an unannounced visit because they will have moved to the Keys without telling me. Oh wait, I actually don't have keys to the house anymore - they took them from me when I moved to Texas years ago. Nevermind. I can't get in anyway!

We did, however, in the extremely long day that is the day-after-Christmas-shopping-day, stop at Lowe's. And guess what I bought?! I know, you are all thinking, what the heck is The Steph going to buy at a home improvement store in Florida when she rents an apartment in Minnesota? Well, it is the day after Christmas...and everything is on sale...and last year I bought a bazillion strings of lights for about 27 cents each at Target, as well as a bunch of ornaments...and I had nothing to put them on this year...so I bought a Christmas tree!

Ta da!

(OK, that's not really my tree, but it's what I imagine my tree would look like if I took it out of the box, but it together and set it up in front of a photographer's background.)

Yes, that's right! While traveling to Florida for Chritmas, I bought a 7 foot tall, unlighted, fake tree. It was $17.25 pre-tax. Now I just have to figure out how to get it back to Minnesota.

The whole tree won't fit in my suitcase. And I already have two bags to check. I have contemplated taking the top of the tree (only) home with me in my suitcase so that next year, just in case I don't get the rest of the tree up there, at least I have the top to illuminate. But I may just settle for hoping my parents drive up to visit me this year and bring the tree with them!! (Hint, hint to The Family.)

Merry Christmas to all! I hope Santa was good to you!

The Good Guys Do Win Sometimes...

2006-12-16T09:44:00.000-08:00

...it just sucks that the bad guys always think that they are the ones actually winning. But if they only knew...

My belief is that the bad guys always think that they are winning due to their extreme lack of human decency, ethics, morals, reality...I could go on and on, but I left my thesaurus at home.

Seriously, sometimes, I wonder what is wrong with some people. Fortunately, I know enough of the good guys to battle the bad guys...and the good guys know who you are - I return your phone calls, emails, IMs and have beers with you.

Nighttime TV Commercials

2006-12-13T00:50:00.000-08:00

Or more accurately, early morning commercials, are freaking awesome. Even more awesome - early morning commercials for the holiday season sales pitches.

First, you get to take the classic holiday season ads that are timeless...meaning that you can see them any time of the day from Thanksgiving to Christmas, and they have been the same ads for the past 20 years - they just pull the beta tape out of the archives and pay for the ad to be rejuvinated.

Cases in point:
* The Co-Pilot VCR Remote. The VCR setting remote for people who can't figure out their own VCR remote. It has a spinny dial thing on it. I guess spinny dial things are easier than giant buttons that tell you what to do.

* The Clapper. Does it get more classic than that? "Clap on, clap off, The Clapper!" Those people always look so happy, even though their clothes suck. I wish I could be in that ad.

* The Chia Pet. This one has a special twist for 2006...because it's the 25th anniversary of the Chia Pet. So for the first time in 25 years, the ad is a little different. You get a free alarm clock with your special Chia Pet purpose because of the 25th year. It's pretty exciting. The Chia Pet ad has always been the most compelling of the holiday season ads. How can you not be excited about the process...slather the seed mix on, water the Chia Hole, and voila...you have a spouting pig or Goofy or peacock. It's rather miraculous that a china creature can grow into a green wonder. I have always been a little curious as to what the greenery in the Chia Pet actually is. To be honest, I have always wanted a Chia Pet. I don't know why I never put it on my list for Santa, since I have always wanted one. Probably because I thought that Santa would make fun of me. But I think Chia Pets are cool and funny. I'm glad that the Chia Pet made it to the 25th anniversary, even though I have never actually known anyone that owned a Chia Pet. And then this year I have seen a new ad...for some women's pajama delivery service. It had some crazy clever title, but I had forgotten it. Upon some web research, I learned that the clever title is "Pajamagram." They deliver pajamas that are either sexy or comfy depending on the look/feel you are going for (although I didn't really notice a difference between the sexy and comfy pajamas honestly). And they deliver them in a matching hat box with lotion and "other things that women like." Oh, and a matching "Do Not Disturb" sign. You could skip that if you just had the PajamaGram sent to her at the Holiday Inn...her room would come with the sign already. Seriously. And you can go here to learn about why a PajamaGram is the perfect gift, in case you don't already know.

Although the idea of opening up a hat box and being surprised by pajamas and a sachet is exciting, if my man ever bought me pajamas in a round box and got overnight delivery, I might have to get him a kick in the groin. ***Note to self: send this blog post to all boyfriends in the future.***

Ahhh, early morning holiday season ads, does it get any better for comedic value than that?

Geographic Confusion

2006-12-07T16:23:00.000-08:00

I can't figure this one out. Tonight, an Imax theater production entitled "Hurricane on the Bayou" is making it's world premiere tonight at the Science Museum of Minnesota in St. Paul. I can't figure out WHY. Here's a list of things featured in the movie and whether they appear in Minnesota or in another, more logical, place where they could host the premiere:

Hurricanes:
Lousiana or Florida: Check
Minnesota: ______

Alligators:
Lousiana or Florida: Check
Minnesota: ______

Bayou:
Lousiana or Florida: Check
Minnesota: ______

Airboats:
Lousiana or Florida: Check
Minnesota: ______

Levees:
Lousiana or Florida: Check
Minnesota: ______

Jazz Musicians:
Lousiana or Florida: Check
Minnesota: ______

Hmm. Seems like St. Paul was a great choice for the debut. Or maybe that's just me!

Drivin' Along in my Automobile

2006-12-06T16:27:00.000-08:00

I had to drive out to White Earth Reservation yesterday for work, and returned this afternoon. Along the way I did what anyone else would do after spending 9+ hours within 24 hours driving in a black Dodge Stratus with an endless supply of CDs through mindless snowy cornfields with scarcely a gas station to be found before the little arrow was pointing at "E" - I thought.

Mainly, because I was driving near the glory that is The Birthplace of America once again, I thought about Minnesotans. And mainly, funny and unique things said by Minnesotans. As a disclaimer, remember I love Minnesotans...they just don't realize how unintentionally hilarious their regional isms are.

---------------------

When I first moved here nearly three years ago, I went to the local grocery store to get some essentials, including a 12-pack of Coke. I wandered all around the stupid store, looking up at the identification signs, trying to find the soda aisle. Finally I gave up, and asked a friendly store employee where I could find soda. He was slightly confused, and I had to repeat what I said. Then he said, "Oh, right here," and pointed up at the sign which indicated the aisle contained water and "pop." "Pop??" I thought "pop" was slang or regional...I didn't realize it was an actual term to describe carbonated beverages. Hmmm.

-------------------

Then one time, a couple of people mentioned that they were "going to 'Essay' to get a pop" and asked if I wanted anything. Since I had absolutely no clue what they were talking about because I thought an essay was a piece of writing...or in this case was obviously someplace really popular that I didn't know about yet...and "Pop" was what we called one of my grandfathers when I was growing up...I said "No, thanks" because I didn't know what to ask for. Apparently...properly translated into real-people talk, they said "We're going to the Super America gas station [S.A. - not "essay"] to get a soda, want one?" Hmmm.

----------------------------------

A phrase such as "It's about 4 hours away" serves as an answer for two different questions, according to Minnesotans, when you are inquiring about geography. Yet, to me, it doesn't actually answer EITHER question:

Q1) Do you know where Duluth is?
A) Yeah, it's about 4 hours away.

No - that doesn't tell me where Duluth is - it tells me how long it takes to get there. Basically, it narrows Duluth's location down to a gigantic circle. Is it in Iowa? Wisconsin? Near North Dakota? Close to Canada? HELLO!?!

Q2) How far away is Duluth?
A) Oh, it's about 4 hours away.

Once again, NO - that doesn't tell me how far away it is. It could be 120 miles away, but traffic sucks or it could be 240 miles away via straight interstate...apparently Minnesotans think that distance is measured in minutes rather than miles.

-----------------------

And finally, Minnesotans leave pronouns off the end of sentences. Example of conversation between The Steph and The Minnesotan:
The Steph: I'm going to the mall.
The Minnesotan: Is Bob going with?
The Steph: ***silence***
The Minnesotan: Ummm...hello?
The Steph: OH - you were done speaking?

Another example:
The Steph: We are going to the soccer game this weekend.
The Minnesotan: Can I go with?
The Steph: ***silence***
The Minnesotan: Well....?
The Steph: Well what?
The Minnesotan: Can I go with?
The Steph: With what?
The Minnesotan: With YOU!
The Steph: Well finish your sentences!!
The Minnesotan: I DID!

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Yes, 9 hours well spent.

Headin' To AZ!

2006-12-04T06:45:00.000-08:00

The Gators are getting the chance to compete for the national championships!

Go Gators!

Just randomness...

2006-11-26T18:55:00.000-08:00

Yesterday we were doing more planting and digging. And a little lizard jumped out of a tree or something I had just put on the ground. So I did what anyone else would do, I caught it. And then I went inside and got my camera (almost let him go in the kitchen...The Mom would have loved that. As would have The Cat) and took pictures of it. You can see how thrilled he was for me to be holding him.

This incident reminded me of a time back in high school when a lizard jumped onto my face from a Christmas tree I was holding on my lap in a car. Seriously. And it made me laugh again when I thought of it.

When we lived in New York, our family used to drive to FL - usually to the Ft. Myers area - for the Christmas break. We would buy some small tree in a pot at Wal-Mart or Lowe's or something, and some cheap decorations, and use that as our Christmas tree at the condo. So this one year we get a little potted tree and I'm holding it on my lap for the car ride back to the condo. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, a lizard jumped out of the tree and landed right on my face! Of course I screamed liked crazy and scared the crap out of everyone.

And that's the story of how our Christmas tree attacked me one year.

Tonight we went to the Tampa Bay Lightning game. They won! We went and sat next to the glass during the pre-game shoot-around. I took some cool pictures, as is evidenced here. (I bet you guys never thought that you would have to suffer through my Thanksgiving vacation this way - it's like watching Aunt Helda's slides of hiking the Oregon Trail, or something equally boring.)

Holmqvist, the goalie, made many many awesome saves during the real game, not so many during warm-ups. And was one of the words to spell during an intermission spelling bee contest.

Marty St. Louis had a goal and an assist during the game. Prior to the game he attracted two (semi-non) blondes while meditating.

Marty's teammate, Doug Janik, didn't look as thrilled during the shoot-around. He did get slammed into the boards during the game, for which the evil Ottawa player got to spend two minutes sitting by himself in a plexiglass box and wasn't allowed to play with the rest of his teammates because he had been bad. Unfortunately, the Lightning forgot to notice that they had an extra guy on the ice and didn't take advantage of the power play and just skated.

This is a pretty, artistic shot. Really.

Brad Richards is really good. And he cut his hair recently, I think.

Box in the scores

2006-11-25T04:35:00.000-08:00

I just realized this morning how much time it now takes to find a box score in the sports section of the news paper now. As I was searching through the Bradenton and St. Pete papers today for a high school football box score, I realized something...the sports pages of all of the places I have lived since I left NY suck. It's absolutely impossible to find box scores for games in any of them. Back in the day, the NY papers we read - the Poughkeepsie Journal and the Daily Freeman in Kingston made it simple...you open up the front page of the sports section and right inside was an entire page dedicated to box scores...high school, college, pro - whatever it was, it was there.

Now, in order to find box scores, you have to search the sports section far and wide to figure out who scored each touch down or served penalty minutes. It's like "Where's Waldo?" only without the red and white stripes to make it easy to find it. Sometimes the box scores are hidden in articles. Sometimes they are filling space between an ad and an article. Sometimes they are arranged according to sport. Sometimes by city. Sometimes by level of play. Sometimes they aren't organized. You have to flip through the entire sports section to find 1 box score.

To me, it's akin to how grocery stores lay out their products to make people walk through the entire store and impulse shop...bread is opposite milk which is nowhere near the deli or butcher. Seriously, once you have our 50 cents for the paper...does it matter if we look through the whole sports page or just get our box score?

And I never did find the box score I was looking for this morning. ***Sigh***

Day Two of Tree Extraction

2006-11-24T15:21:00.000-08:00

We got it out! Yesterday (Turkey Day) we went back outside to tackle our tree relocation project. And I know that you have all been refreshing your web browser hourly to see if I have a follow-up to Tree Extraction 101. Well, here it is!

When I last left you, The Dad had brought out the chain saw and went after the roots using this new tool. (Flashback:)

When that didn't work instantly, we abandoned the job for the evening and went inside for dinner. And now, you are all caught up.

Yesterday morning we went back outside, brought the tractor back around to the tree, and tied it up again.

Then, another new tool entered the mix...the ax! Here's The Dad attempting to be Paul Bunyan without even realizing it:

And here's the Ax-Man at work:

The Dad chopped, and we dug, and we pulled and we pushed and we pryed...and at last...we achieved the impossible...we tore that tree right out of the ground!! (This picture is simply entitled "Victory.")

Aren't the roots cool? (Well, I think they are!)

Then The Mom started pulling the tree to it's final resting place at the front of the property line.

It followed much the same path as the first tree - including passing the greenhouse.

And along the bank of the pond.

Until it got stuck!

While The Dad was contemplating a way to get this tree to continue on his merry little way, I went back to take an "after" picture of what we did by removing this tree. But first...a little reminder as to what the front looked like before:

And, now:

Amazing difference! And since I was over there, I took a close-up of our abandoned hero:

Then The Dad put cardboard under the tree and that proved to be the trick, and the tree was back on the way to a new home.

Eventually we got the tree to the property line, and dug the appropriate size hole.

Then we got it into the hole, so that it could take a look at its pathetic neighbors...the holly trees.

And alas...in all the glory that is a pygmy palm:

And with his friend, the other transplanted pygmy palm:

So, to conclude this epic tale, two of the 5 gigantic pygmy palms have been moved. The other 3 will die shortly - due to their lack of willingness to cooperate with the ones who try to save their lives. There are 3 or 4 other little ones we will move, and then all of these giant holes left behind will be filled with dirt and new trees...which hopefully will not have to be moved in 2 years. But, I'll check back in in about 700 days or so and let you know!

Turkey Day!

2006-11-23T08:13:00.000-08:00

Food, football and the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade! Wahoo.

Funny note about the parade this morning...Matt Lauer was describing a Pokeman balloon (perhaps Peekachew? Is that really a character?) floating down the street and said that on screen the character is about 1.4 feet tall, but today he is the height of two tyrannosaurus rexes. Yes, great frame of reference, Matt - because everyone has seen a tyrannosaurus rex and can imagine what you are talking about when we see that ballon. I prefer to think of Pokeman as the size of 4 giraffes that have encountered a T-Rex and are now headless.

Tree Extraction 101

2006-11-22T18:54:00.000-08:00

Today's blog post is being brought to you by the color green, since I spent 2.5 hours of my day moving a gigantic pygmy palm, and another 2 hours attempting to move a second gigantic pygmy palm. It's too much to comprehend, I know. First the Cliff's Notes version, then the full illustrated version.

Two years ago, I helped The Mom do some work in a little garden in front of my parents' house, where we planted 5 little pygmy palm trees. Cute, yet attractive, little trees. They came in little 10 gallon or so pots that I tenderly carried around the store until they landed in a basket, went through the check-out at Home Depot or Lowes or a like store, and then eventually into the ground at our house. Part of the goal of these trees was to fill in a space that was vacated recently when my parents had to remove a palm tree that had gotten too big for it's britches and was taking over the area in front of our dining room - and threatening to eat our siding. The tree was moved to the front of the property where it now lives and prospers:

I include this tree not just to show the great beauty of a palm, but to show that The Mom doesn't have great judgement when it comes to putting trees in front of our house.

Anyway, the pygmy palms that were planted didn't live up to their names...instead they became giants, taking over the front of the house. So the goal was to remove the trees and replant them in line with the above relocated palm.

Easier said than done! Today we got ONE moved. In two and a half hours. Then we took a break for lunch. And started working on a second tree. And didn't get it out of the ground yet. Despite two solid hours of work.

Now the full, illustrated version.

As we began our mission, the three of us (The Mom, The Dad and The Steph) evaluated our five "clients" and choose the one closest to the garage with which to begin. We dug around the palm with our shovels, as you do when preparing to dig up any tree. And when I say "we," I mean The Dad and The Steph. The Mom watched. Or as she puts it, "supervised." After much digging, we began to feel like we were getting somewhere. And by somewhere, I mean closer to lunch. So we grabbed some rope, The Mom brought the tractor over, and we hooked up the tree and began pulling. We struggled, and chopped at the root bulb with shovels and used railroad ties as levers, and dug and sweated and pulled with the tractor. And let me tell you, this struggle was not without pain, for these palms have (what I consider to be) deadly prickers on them! SEE:

Eventually we conquered this massive beast and pulled it from the ground. Leaving behind a giant hole...

...which was bigger than Denny.

Next, we had to get the giant displaced pygmy palm to its new home at the front of the property line. But remember, we had to spend two hours just yanking it out of the ground. This thing did not like moving.

First, we tried putting it in our little trailer and attaching that to the tractor and pulling it that way. That was rather unsuccessful, to say the least. So we resorted to just tieing it to the tractor and dragging it. And off it went, leaving a little poop-like trail behind.

The tree had quite the journey. The Mom dragged it past our greenhouse.

And then past her little boat.

And then past the pond.

And how could I not capture this happy little parade on film?

We then got to the giant pygmy palm's final resting place, where we discovered that our pre-dug hole was not quite big enough for the little guy.

But then, through the magic of television and blogging, it was!

And through the magic of having a place to put the dirt from the hole to make it big enough.

Finally, our gigantic pygmy palm had a new home. Isn't he gorgeous?

But our day wasn't over, yet. We still had 4 more trees to move...although at this point in time we had decided that 2 of the 4 were going to have to suffer a brutal and horrible death rather than being transplanted, because it was better for them to die than from us to collapse in solid exhaustion from attempting to move them. However, we did want to save these two beautiful specimens that were covering for the aforementioned giant palm previously moved about 2 years ago from this same locale. We went after the one on the right, first.

And dug and dug and dug, attempting to get under the tree so that we could get to our no-fail plan of digging, chopping at roots, pulling with the tractor, prying with long wooden planks and pushing on the count of three. So the tractor got hooked up.

(This is what the tree saw from his view.)

Here is The Dad attempting to pry the tree up with a railroad tie while I pull with the tractor. This is what might be considered an "action shot" since I am currently on the tractor facing backwards, attempting to yank a tree out of the ground and capture the moment for all to see.

And we basically got nowhere. So The Dad proudly brought out the big guns...the chainsaw!!

Don't panic! We didn't chop down (that) tree! He went after the dirt and roots around the peripheral of the main root bulb. And no, we still haven't gotten the tree out. We gave up for the day and went out to dinner. Maybe Friday I'll have a success story to share with Tree #2. Because this tree is NOT going to get the best of us. The other 3 trees, they may have to die for their persistence and excessive growth. But not Tree #2. He will live and enjoy and long and lovely life at our property line if I have anything to say about it!

Line Dancing For One

2006-11-19T19:29:00.000-08:00

I didn't get to see everything on my Top Ten list of things I wanted to see at the airport when I flew down to Florida yesterday, but I did see something I never thought I would see...a girl practicing her line dancing while waiting to get on her flight.

I had to connect in Atlanta, and when I got to the gate for the final leg of my journey, I saw a woman close to my age standing near the seats near the window, listening to an ipod. She kind of had her hand out like she was meditating and then brought them back in front of her, and repeated. I thought, "Oh, I wonder if she gets stressed out flying and is trying to calm herself or something." Seemed logical and not strange to me. So I went to the seats over in that area because there were a bunch open, and I shortly figured out why.

Before I knew it, this girl had broken out into a spin and then heel-toe-heel-toe and tip your hat and shuffle left. Yes, she was line-dancing in the Atlanta airport. By herself. To the music in her ipod. Which I guess is better than dancing to the music in her head in the Atlanta airport.

So I tried to read my book but it was really hard not to stare at this girl doing line dances in front of me. And no one else at the gate could stop staring either. The funny thing was that she wasn't doing the full energy line-dancing. And here's the best way to describe what she looked like.

You know the girl at the country bar that knows all of the steps to all of the dances and either is at the club by herself every weekend or maybe her friends don't dance and just join her for the beers and the cute butts? And when she's on the dance floor she tries to act like she is too cool to put energy and excitement into the steps - she's trying to look like she doesn't really care. So her movements are smaller - just basically going through the steps like the way that a figure skater does his or her routine in a mini-version on land while preparing for their performance.

Or the skinny little cowboy-wannabe that's at the country bar wearing a pair of tight Wranglers, cowboy boots that are a half-size too small and the plaid shirt tucked in all the way so that it doesn't even have a little bit of a "blouse" to it at the waist, and of course the obligatory brown leather belt with giant belt buckle with a bronco on it. He is permanently bent forward just a little bit at he waist so that you always wonder if he might just fall forward for no real reason. And he dances the whole time with his thumbs in his front belt loops, so he only does the footwork and kind leans with his shoulders to shadow the hand motions. But he is also attempting to be cool and blend in since he's the dorky cowboy that the girls don't really like that much. So in his attempt to be cool and show that he doesn't really care either - he has the restricted motion dance moves, too.

That's exactly what this girl did. Only she was doing the little mini-dance moves because there wasn't enough room for her to do the full-out dance. And everytime a new song came up on her ipod, an article of clothing would come off - a jacket, sweater. I was getting worried that if our flight was delayed and she got to dance to many more songs then I was going to have to find some $1 bills to tip her.

Yes, in the aiport in Atlanta.

Top Ten Things I Wanna See At The Airport This Weekend

2006-11-14T13:11:00.000-08:00

You know how the airport is great for people watching? Well, I'm flying home to the Sunshine State this weekend for 10 days of sand and sun. I hope that somewhere between MSP, ATL and TPA, I see the following 10 things:

10. A family with a minimum of 4 crying children and 3 strollers.

9. At least 4 people frantically trying to find an outlet to plug in their laptop while they waste their $7.99 spent on Sprint WIFI.

8. 1 disgruntled teen-age girl wearing over-sized jeans walking 7 steps behind her parents and her 8 year old brother.

7. 1 aunt greeting her long-lost neices and nephews with red lipstick kisses.

6. 3 people contemplating whether or not a tube of lipstick is smaller than 3oz and can therefore be put into a zip-lock baggie and brought onto the plane.

5. A minimum of 8 people complaining that the lines to get through security are too long and their flight is in 15 minutes...and they just arrived 1.7 minutes before.

4. 47 really uncomfortable people trying not to touch each other or trip over each other's rolling bags on the tram that takes them from one end of the terminal to the other.

3. 6 drunk single people at the airport Chili's.

2. 1 underappreciated dad attempting to carry a Macy's bag with ripped handles full of crap and a "fold-up" stroller.

1. An entire family (consisting of a minimum of dad, mom 2 boys and a girl - possibly even a grandfather thrown in for good measure) wearing too-large green wool sweaters with red shoulders and giant white snowflakes in a black stripe across the chest.

(Close enough...)

Branding 101

2006-11-14T11:16:00.000-08:00

KFC is changing their logo "again"...from this:

To this:

Nope, I don't really see much of a difference, either. Other than the Colonel and their name are now straight, rather than crooked, and the background red is crooked rather than straight. Oh, and he's cooking now rather than welcoming you at the door in a maitre d'- type costume.

Here's my thought - if you are going to spend millions of dollars to hire a company to come up with a "new" logo, then spend millions and millions of dollars in redesigning stationary, cups, napkins, signage, storefronts, sandwich wrappers, etc - then pick a new logo that shows that you changed it.

Honestly, if I hadn't read this article about the change, I wouldn't have had a clue that they were changing logos. As far as I'm concerned...someone gave them bad advice and they are wasting a TON of money on this.

NEWS FLASH!

2006-11-13T07:27:00.000-08:00

Did anyone else hear that Tiki Barber is retiring? If you turned on the TV this weekend, you had to have heard it. Gees. You would have thought that the guy had won 6 Super Bowls, saved a child from a burning car being submerged in a lake AND maintained a 100% faithful marriage to his wife for the last 3 decades the way that they went on...and on...and on...and on...and on about this on any and all sports shows, football games or Law & Order episodes.

Every time Tiki touched the ball, sprained a finger ("Oh, will that be last play of his professional career now that he has injured himself?" Yes, a sprained finger usually keeps NFL players out of the last EIGHT games of the regular season), had his ankle taped, walked on the field or when the people at Outback lite the tiki torches...some moron announcer said "Tiki has made it clear that he is retiring at the end of the season." Followed up with another moron announcer saying, "I don't know if there's any talking him out of it, Bob." "I just don't think Tiki knows how much he's going to miss football, Jerome." "Yeah, he wants to go into TV, Bob." "Yeah, but he doesn't realize how much less fun TV is than playing football."

Really? You don't think he doesn't realize that? If the guy wants to retire, let him retire - why are commentators getting into fights over whether or not he should? Barber wants to be able to walk in his middle age, and play with his kids...how many former NFL players can say that they can do that??

Oh gees, let him retire - and stop talking about it!

Wahoo!

2006-11-11T08:38:00.000-08:00

Election Reality? NOT THIS YEAR!

2006-11-11T08:29:00.000-08:00

Good thing I didn't watch this video until after I had voted...

Stay classy, Gainesville

2006-11-11T06:44:00.000-08:00

I think that Billy Donovan has the right idea in how to treat the '05-'06 NCAA championship and how to approach the '06-'07 season with his returning cast of characters...put the rings away and keep on playing!

Basically, Donovan and all of the Gators (who have their starting 5 back from the championship team!!) celebrated, and then are starting anew for this campaign. Gotta like that attitude.

But there's one piece of the championship they will never put away...the floor! I think this is one of the coolest things I have heard of for a championship team...the Gators bought the floor on which they thumped UCLA in the championship game from the NCAA, and had it repainted in the school colors with the logo. Now THAT'S awesome!

Then:

Now:

Not the sneeze

2006-11-10T14:53:00.000-08:00

Not even this guy is safe at The Ranch:

So the other day I was on the phone with The Mom, discussing something incredibly important, I'm sure, when she whispered, "Hold on a second. Shhh. Wait a minute."

Then I heard silence for a while, and then I heard "Ah choo." So, I said "God bless you!" To no response. "Ummmm...I said, 'God bless you.'" Still no response.

Then again, "Ah choo." "God bless you once again." No response. "Ummm, Mom, are you there?"

Then, "OK! I'm back."

"You just shot a squirrel, didn't you?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Well, the .22 sounded like a sneeze, and I blessed it. When there was no response, I realized something was dead."

"HAHAHAHA."

As a follow-up to the story, apparently our Golden Retriever found the dead squirrel and thought it was one of his stuffed toys to carry around...joke's on The Mom for almost playing tug-of-war with it!

The Blue is Back!

2006-11-08T07:15:00.000-08:00

In honor of the Democrats regaining control of the House last night, and hopefully soon the Senate...today's post will be done in the color BLUE!

With the exception of the gubernatorial races in Minnesota and Florida going the wrong way, I'm pretty happy over all. And I firmly believe that if Mike Hatch's running mate, Judi Dutcher, hadn't flubbed a big question...in NOT KNOWING what E85 is in MINNESOTA...then Pawlenty would be gone. But try to explain to a bunch of people in rural Minnesota why the Democratic candidate for Lieutenant Governor in the state of Minnesota doesn't know what E85 is. Minnesota is one of the biggest states in both E85 production and consumption... And this happened the week before the election. However, in an out-of-state note, John Hall won his bid for Congress in NY! Wahoo!

Last night I went out with some friends to watch the election returns at a bar. On my way I noticed something curious. On Sunday, the price of a gallon of gas was down to about $2.09. It stayed between $2.12 and $2.15 until just before the polls closed last night...which is the time I left my apartment to go to the bar...and it jumped up to $2.29!! WHAT? Now I'm not really what you would call a fan of conspiracy theories...but GIVE ME A BREAK.

So all 5 of us gathering at this little bar are definitely what one would consider to be "liberal" - as were the girls at the table next to us. As we chatted about various things, such as profit vs. non-profit colleges (we're all in education in some way, shape or form - which may make us intrinsically boring to others at times yet highly entertaining to ourselves) and abortion and gay rights and whatever other political point we decided to ponder over beers, we watched the results scroll across the bottom of CNN and FOX. Yeah, FOX. But as one person pointed out...they were easy to read.

I have to say, it was the first time in what seems like many, many, many elections that I did not finish watching returns and feel depressed! For the first time in a while the candidates outlined in blue were getting the little check marks next to their names! I didn't feel despair and the need to move to Canada any more! Well, some of that still lingers...but it's just lingering rather than sitting at the surface. So I guess that's good.

My one concern...did the Democrats begin to retake power too soon...what will happen in two years in the presidential election?? Oh, too much time to wait and wonder and worry...

Silence the rooster!!

2006-11-02T08:39:00.000-08:00

There are so many things wrong with going to a school that has to have a fake rooster silenced during football games. Seriously, how could that really be considered "advantageous?" And there are just way to many jokes to be made about silencing the 'Cocks.

Here's the benefit of having a silent rallying "cry" - the gator chomp is vicious and lethal - and allowed during SEC games! Oh, and leads to national championships...with the starting 5 returning for '06-07. And by the way, if you do a Google Images search of the Gator Chomp, nearly all of the pictures of FL Gators on the first page doing the chomp are of Joakim Noah rallying the crowd during basketball games on their run to the championship last winter.

Go Gators!

One simple thing...

2006-11-01T09:09:00.000-08:00

I was just thinking the other night of simple little things that can make one happy or feel all warm and fuzzy inside. And as I sat there with some friends, enjoying a nice beverage and conversation...I recognized the simpliest gesture and action that always makes me smile...

When everyone that is gathered for this social outing waits for all involved to get their beer/wine/cosmo/water/Coke and then gathers the glasses in the center of the table for a "clink," even though you get together numerous times a week for this type of gathering - and it's not even a special occassion. The toast could be as short and uninvolved as "Cheers" or as specific as a congratulations for an accomplishment.

That simple gesture of friendship and connection just makes me smile.

John Hall for Congress

2006-11-01T06:54:00.000-08:00

If you live in NY, and can vote in the 19th Congressional District race...check out this site and vote for this candidate:
John Hall for Congress

If you don't know the horse girl, you are the horse girl.

2006-11-01T06:32:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I have no idea either. But it was funny when I got it in an email, so it's going to be funny here.

Took long enough...

2006-10-26T07:35:00.000-07:00

Finally, Danny Rolling has met his maker, as they say. The only thing one could wish for was that Florida had still been using "Old Sparky" at Starke, rather than the quieter lethal injection.

In Gainesville there is a wall along the main road near UF where students, locals do graffiti. There is one panel is that is never changed or painted over...one in rememberance of the students slain by Rolling.

The lonely, long drive through Starke's traffic light on the way to Jacksonville from Gainesville now has one less seriel killer haunting the path.

Gosh, I've been boring...

2006-10-26T06:35:00.001-07:00

I'm finally getting the chance to catch up on reading others' blogs, checking out important sites like ESPN, MSNBC and of course the obligatory Myspace (there's another cool word...obligatory...)...and I stumbled back across my blog and I thought to myself, "I have absolutely nothing worthwhile and exciting going on to write about."

Nothing inspiring since a bunch of wacko women talked about their humanesque canines in the airport shuttle/train in Denver.

I've been busy with work...which has been a good thing and fun...so stuff has happened there, but I have a personal policy against really blogging about work unless it's something really not work-related, so there goes a lot of material. I did manage to spend 5 hours eating dinner at the
Town Hall Brewery with a couple of friends, enjoying the plethora of great seasonal beers they have out now. Wow - they are great. Highly recommend it. But that's about all of the excitement that I have had in my life in nearly two weeks.

Except something new came up while I was typing this...the possibility of going to Green Bay for a football game in December...how freaking cool would that be??? I hope that works out!!

I am resorting to a tired cop-out...one of those endless "questionaires." I don't think anyone will really learn anything about me from it, but it takes up space on the blog - so here you go!

Q: WHAT MADE YOU SMILE YESTERDAY?
A: A phone call from a friend.

Q: WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT 8 THIS MORNING?
A: Closing up a friend's apartment after walking his dog.

Q: WHAT WERE YOU DOING 15 MINUTES AGO?
A: Checking email

Q: SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED TO YOU IN 1995?
A: Broke my foot. My mom told me "just ice it."

Q:LAST THING YOU SAID ALOUD?
A: "Oh, leave it with me, I'll take care of it."

Q: HOW MANY DIFFERENT THINGS DID YOU DRINK TODAY?
A: 2

Q: WHAT COLOR IS YOUR TOOTHBRUSH?
A: White with sea foam green accents.

Q: WHAT IS OUT YOUR BACK DOOR?
A: Cement

Q: LAST THING YOU BOUGHT?
A: Coffee

Q: LAST GIFT YOU RECEIVED FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
A: Digital camera!

Q: WHAT COLOR IS YOUR FRONT DOOR?
A: Of the building...glass. Of my apartment...brown.

Q: WHERE DO YOU KEEP YOUR CHANGE?
A: In a carnival glass bowl on my coffee table.

Q: WHAT IS THE WEATHER LIKE TODAY?
A: Partly cloudy, 40s

Q: BEST ICE CREAM FLAVOR?
A: Peppermint/Candy Cane around the holidays

Q: SOMETHING YOU ARE EXCITED ABOUT?
A: Tomorrow is FRIDAY

Q: LAST RAINBOW YOU SAW?
A: Over the summer.

Q: WHAT SIZE SHOE DO YOU WEAR?
A: 9

Q: DO YOU HAVE ANY SISTERS?
A: Yes, one "little" sister.

Q: ARE YOU VERY RANDOM?
A: Depends on the moment...

Q: DO YOU WANT TO CUT YOUR HAIR?
A: Not right now.

Q: ARE YOU OVER THE AGE OF 25?
A: Oh gees. Yeah.

Q: DO YOU TALK A LOT?
A: Yes, but my job kinda makes me, too.

Q: DOES YOUR SCREEN NAME HAVE AN " X '' IN IT?
A: No.

Q: DO YOU KNOW ANYONE NAMED STEVE?
A: My dad! And my boss' boss.

Q: DO YOU MAKE UP YOUR OWN WORDS?
A: When necessary.

Q: ARE YOU TICKLISH?
A: Unfortunately, yes.

Q: ARE YOU TYPICALLY A JEALOUS PERSON?
A: Nope, not at all.

Q: NAME A FRIEND WHOSE NAME STARTS WITH THE LETTER "L":
A: Lynne

Q: NAME A FRIEND WHOSE NAME STARTS WITH AN "A":
A: Amanda

Q: 4TH PERSON ON YOUR MISSED CALLS?
A: Mary G.

Q: WHAT DID THE LAST TEXT MESSAGE YOU RECEIVED SAY?
A: "Oh, it's going to be good!" (Referring to a dinner being cooked.)

Q: DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS?
A: No, that drives me nuts.

Q: DO YOU HAVE CURLY HAIR?
A: Yeah, but I blow-dry it straight.

Q: WHAT IS THE NEXT CONCERT YOU'RE GOING TO?
A: No clue.

Q: WHO IS THE COOLEST PERSON IN YOUR LIFE?
A: Me!

Q: WHAT SAYING DO YOU SAY A LOT?
A: "That's cool."

Q: WHAT IS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
A: Coffee cake

Q: WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU SAID TO SOMEONE?
A: Wasn't this already asked w/ what's the last thing you said outloud?

Q: DO YOU WATCH TV?
A: Yeah, I do.

Q: DO YOU HAVE WORK TOMORROW?
A: Yep - but it's Friday!

Q: EVER BEEN HUNTING?
A: Yeah. Never shot anything, but have been with people who have!

Q: IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE?
A: Who knows?! Definitely not in the near future.

Q: WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID "I LOVE YOU" AND MEANT IT?
A: This morning.

Q: WHAT SHOULD YOU BE DOING RIGHT NOW?
A: Making phone calls.

Q: DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME?
A: Shorter versions of my long name.

Q: DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT?
A: No

Q: ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER?
A: Yep - can sleep through everything except my alarm and my cell phone ringing.

Q: LAST TIME YOU USED A SKATEBOARD?
A: I don't think I ever have.

Q: BEST MOVIE YOU'VE SEEN IN THE PAST TWO WEEKS?
A. Hmmmm...I forget.

Q: WHAT KIND OF CELL PHONE DO YOU HAVE?
A: A Verizon LG with a bunch of numbers after.

Q: WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
A: Traffic on Snelling Ave. I'm waiting for the inevitable brakes squealing and fenders crashing.

Q: ARE YOU CURRENTLY DEPRESSED?
A: Not at all.

Q: WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
A: My family.

Q: DO YOU THINK ANYONE MISSES YOU RIGHT NOW?
A: They better!

Overheard at the Airport...

2006-10-15T07:22:00.000-07:00

On the train from the security check-point to the gate, 5 women with very thick southern accents are discussing getting back home "finally."

First one says, "Allie is going to be pretty hyper. I'm tired."
Second one, "Benedryl, she'll be asleep and you can relax in peace!"
First one, "Haha, yeah. Well, Chloe and Allie do take children's tylenol and children's benedryl sometimes."
Third one, "How did you come up with the name 'Allie?'"
First one, "Oh, I don't know, I wanted to name it Zoe, but Zoe and Chloe together are too close and I wanted a 'Z' name, and if it had been a boy, I would have named it Zane."
Second one, "My mom's is named Sophie and mine is [something else I have since forgotten], but Mrs. Caldwell says Sophie doesn't look like a Sophie, she looks like [something else since forgotten]."
Third one, "I have one named 'Spot' and there's not a spot on her."
Second one, "[something about naming dogs]"

I kept listening...and sure enough, they were talking about their freaking dogs!! There were so many things wrong with the conversation in general, but mainly, is it really appropriate to drug your puppy when you get home? Wow.

(Sidenote - our pilot just got on the microphone at the gate as we are all sitting here waiting. That's a first...he told us he got a good night's sleep last night, the length of our bus ride and that it's a good day for flying. Interesting.)

Just Disgraceful

2006-10-15T04:35:00.000-07:00

There is very little to say about the Miami vs. Florida International game yesterday, other than the brawl was absolutely disgraceful. For as much as I hate the over-dramatization of tragedy, angst, etc., etc., in sports (and in life) by news sources about stuff that doesn't really matter...the disgust and dismay with which news/sports anchors have reported this brawl is appropriate.

Last night a local sportscaster here in Denver said, "Neither team won the fight, although Miami did win the game." I suppose that is true.

I don't know if anyone saw the tape of the brawl, but it was a dirty fight - by any and all players involved. They didn't even fight clean, "like men" - they were swinging and pounding each other with helmets, stomping on each other with cleats, kicking others while down - moves like that. Only 13 players were ejected...and that is really tough to believe, especially since a player that clubbed another with his helmet stayed in the game! They stopped the game and sent everyone back to their locker rooms...and they should have looked at the tape and thrown out more players. Who cares how long it takes? Do it.

Probability of Miami or FIU taking appropriate action against these players, outside of whatever sanctions the NCAA imposes...my guess, slim to none. Class act institutions, that's for sure.

Boulder

2006-10-13T21:09:00.000-07:00

Today a couple of friends from Boulder spent the late afternoon and evening showing me around their stomping grounds. We went up through El Dorado Canyon, Flagstaff Mountain, and then to dinner in Boulder. What an absolutely beautiful place. It was a great time! Next year, I need to remember to plan to come out here to hike the trails and really check it out, because it is really breath-taking. Here are the pictures...there's not much more to say about it, I think they speak for themselves. Click on the pictures to see bigger versions, I loaded the full-sized versions this time in order to really show what was there. (And by the way, it took about 187 minutes to load these onto the blog. So you better appreciate them!)

This was in El Dorado Canyon - you can see the rock climbers up at the top - they are crazy. Definitely crazy. It's scary high up there...and sheer rock. Which I guess is why they call it "rock climbing."

This, and the next few, were all in El Dorado.

(This was the last of the El Dorado pictures...now we move to Flagstaff Mountain.)

This is a view of Colorado University from Flagstaff Mountain.

And a little closer zoom of the football stadium, where the CU Buffalo will lose to, uh, I mean play, Texas Tech tomorrow. Their marching band was in the pedestrian mall of Boulder getting fans fired up this evening by playing the fight song over and over and over and over. I think it's the only song they know, which is probably acceptable for a college marching band at football games.

"I am the queen of the world!" Look, my head is even with the clouds in the distance.

I just think this is gorgeous. Note the CU students with their PBR enjoying the beautiful Friday night up on Flagstaff Mountain.

Even cooler.

Some cool trees up on the mountain.

The view down to Boulder from Flagstaff Mountain.

Crocs

2006-10-13T21:07:00.000-07:00

The biggest craze in footwear now are these Crocs. The full Crocs are the most insane looking things in the world, but EVERYONE is wearing them for some reason. I don't get it. But The Mom and The Sis have the flip-flop version of the Crocs, and love them. From what I understand, The Sis may sleep in hers.

So since Boulder is the home of Crocs, I asked my friends where we could go to find them so that I could look for different colors of the flip-flops for The Mom and The Sis. We went into Pedestrian, on Pearl Street in Boulder.

Sure enough, they had Crocs. In fact...an entire room dedicated to the walking sensation. It was an attack of a rainbow of rubber soles.

The Colorado U-themed Crocs:

And the rest of them...

Now, as I stated, I happen to think that the Crocs everyone buys are the most insane looking things in the world. I don't get why they are so popular. But everyone says, "Oh, they are sooooo comfortable!!" Yada, yada, yada. The Mom thinks her Croc flip-flops are the greatest invention. So my friend insists that I will get over my adversion to Crocs and get a pair since I'm in the birthplace of Crocs. I insist that won't happen.

Well, we get into the store and he is insistant that I try on a pair. Fortunately, Crocs are making an attempt to get cooler...and they have a couple of new styles...including a Mary Jane version that is a little slimmer and cuter than the normal ugly ones. So I give in and try them on. And unfortunately, actually like them. So I left Boulder with Crocs...so sad...

And my first foray into foot modeling...just like Judy Garland..."There's no place like home, there's no place like home..."

Travels with Stephey

2006-10-10T18:21:00.000-07:00

Ok, so this won't exactly be a John Steinbeck novel...but I thought it was a clever title...complete with the spelling and everything. A random rambling of some of the stuff I did today, and other thoughts that may or may not be related. Welcome to my Tuesday.

* As you may or may not have figured out, I'm in Colorado. This is monumental in my life for one major reason, it allows me to get in state #48 out of the continental US states. Through travel with my family and work and moving around, I had managed to get in every other state, many of them multiple times. Most of the states in this part of the country we got in when our family used to travel cross country in an RV for about a month at a time when I was younger. For some reason, my parents decided to drive AROUND Colorado every time we came out here. I have basically given them crap about that for a long time, now. And I will continue to give them crap about it because it probably stunted my educational growth or something. But at least I'm FINALLY here! Wahoo.

* This afternoon I went down to Colorado Springs to see the sights. Of course it was overcast and cloudy. So when I went to see the beautiful natural sights, all of my pictures came out a little muted. I drove around Garden of the Gods and went in the visitor center, despite the weather. The woman working there was originally from the Twin Cities area, which was funny. Her entire family still lives there, and she talked and talked and talked and talked about them. Fortunately, I wasn't in a rush. But here are pictures of the Garden of the Gods:

* Then I went to a cave, Cave of the Winds. What a disappointment. My thought process was that it was cloudy out, and up in the mountains you can't see a darn thing with the fog/clouds. So going into a cave seemed to make sense. What a lame-a$$ cave. First of all, the tour guide was a total tool. Second of all, the cave was pathetic. I guess my standards are set unexpectedly high, having been to Mammoth Cave and Carlsbad Caverns when I was younger, hitting every state but Louisiana and Colorado (I got Louisiana in when I drove through it while moving to Texas...and then went there for a weekend while working in Texas...and then drove through it two more times in the next 4 months...now I have been there TOO many times...even got pulled over by a cop there). But even Howe Caverns in NY was WAY better. Here are some pictures of the lame-o cave.

(You can't fool me, I don't think this was a naturally occurring formation in the cave. Gees.)

(Stalactites - formations that hang "tight" to the ceiling. These could be the weakest freaking stalactites I have ever seen. I have seen bigger icicles hanging off of a garage roof.)

(A stalagmite. Not quite as weak-a$$ as the stalactites...but still pretty weak. However, it is larger than other naturally occurring phallic-looking formations I have seen.)

* There was all of this talk about Joe Torre being fired and Lou Pinella being hired as the Yankees manager. Fortunately, it's all for naught and Torre will be back. I could deal with a new manager...I mean I got over Buck being sent packing in '95 or '96 (there was something about him I liked back then, now, I have no clue what it was). But I could not deal with Lou Pinella. Oh gosh. I can't stand him. I can not stand him in a boat, I can not stand him with a goat. On the bench, in the booth. I can not stand him, Steph I am. Phew.

* Seriously, FOX should not be allowed to broadcast MLB playoff games. It's like watching some HS TV shop that gets new technology and has to play with it all the time. My favorite is when they shoot the batter from a different angle other than with the center field camera and the green screen behind him that is designed for imposing ads shows up green instead of with an ad. That happens basically anytime they shoot from a different angle or when they show a replay using the center field camera and that angle wasn't shown live. It's funny to me. And maybe only to me. But that brings me to another point...one of the angles that FOX uses is that stupid in-the-dirt cam. Whether it's on the mound or near the plate or stuck on a base or whatever. I hate it. It shows me nothing other than making players look like giants. And it makes me nauseous, like I imagine I would feel while watching IMAX while I'm drunk. I'm waiting for the camera installed in the brim of the pitchers hat so we can watch his grubby fingers adjust his hat between every pitch while he waits for the sign from his catcher. They also put microphones on half of the players. And talk to managers or coaches between innings. I don't like that either - doesn't go with the flow of the game to me. Takes the mystery out of post-game press conferences sometimes.

* I attempted to stop at the Pro Rodeo Hall of Fame to bring me home a cowboy...but, alas, they are only open on Thursday-Sunday. I was wondering why the parking lot was so empty.

What a great job. I may have to return. You know what they say, "Save a horse, ride a cowboy." Instead, I just got a picture of the statue outside. That's as good as it got.

MNF @ Mile High on ESPN

2006-10-09T22:43:00.000-07:00

I went to Monday Night Football last night at Mile High...Broncos over Ravens, 13-3. Fun, even though I had to basically dress like an orange penguin.

Look at this place:

It was cold, wet, rainy - basically miserable - and it was an awesome night!

I love going to sporting events in other cities...especially in beautiful stadiums. I will admit, I waffled back and forth about whether to go tonight - it was cold, rainy and they were calling for snow. So I went to Target and got a cool fleece bucket hat with hidden ear flaps, a pair of gloves and a pair of mittens. I layered up and headed to the light rail station, jumped on board and got off at the stadium.

Here's how you get the orange penguin look I achieved above:

2 long-sleeve T-shirts

1 fleece vest

2 pairs of socks

1 thick Champion sweatshirt

1 Bauer hockey jacket

1 $7 Broncos rain poncho

Effective, eh? But I stayed (relatively) dry, and warm. In fact, I didn't start to get cold until the 4th quarter...and then it was only my feet! Of course, by the time I got home I couldn't feel them anymore and it took 20 minutes in a hot shower to thaw out! But it was worth it.

I got into the stadium and walked around...watched the ESPN pre-game show a little, and then walked around inside. Grabbed my brat and beer, and made a vow not to drink anything else other than that 1 beer - water, beer, soda, anything...because it was going to be tooooo cold and the lines would be toooooooo long! And then I walked around looking at all of the people in orange and blue. It was like a gator game that was just a few shades off.

MNF was worth it!!

The most important thing in the bathroom...

2006-10-09T11:52:00.000-07:00

I'm in Denver, CO at a hotel right now. I wandered out amongst the city today for work, and then returned to my home-away-from-home, dropped off my bag and purse by the bed, hit "power" on the TV, and went into the bathroom.

Housekeeping had invaded my room after I departed today, organizing my stuff on the bathroom counter, much more neatly than I ever would on a soft white washcloth; remaking my bed, which I will promptly mess up by sitting on it; and restocking my little coffee maker, which I will unstock in the morning. Soon after establishing myself in the bathroom, I noticed that the toilet paper roll was missing. Yes, MIA.

Normally if you run out of toilet paper, there's an empty roll on the little bar. However, there was nothing. Not even a bar. There was this big gaping hole where a toilet paper bar covered in a cardboard roll and white paper should be. The bar was laying innocently on the sink, near my toothbrush. Without a roll of toilet paper to be seen anywhere.

Which left me with the infamous back-up - tissues. We all know how much this sucks. Tissues just aren't the same as toilet paper in this case...much the same way that toilet paper is not a good substitute for tissues. The lotion creeps you out (or maybe that's just me), they are either too thin or too thick, and they dissolve. But sometimes, there's nothing else to do.

So I used the substitute tissues, and went to the phone and dialed "0" for the hotel operator. "Front desk, how may I help you?" "Umm, can you send someone to my room with a roll of toilet paper, please? I think house keeping took mine and didn't replace it." "OK, I'll call house keeping right away." "Thank you."

I waited, and waited. I waited so long I had to go to the bathroom again. So I grabbed my key and wandered out into the hallway, hoping to run into housekeeping. Sure enough, I found her. I walked up and asked for a roll of toilet paper. She kinda looked at me funny since she had just cleaned my room. I said, "Well, there's no toilet paper on the roll." I was trying not to accuse her of stealing my toilet paper (although I did want to ask why she took away the half of a roll that was left...seems wasteful to me!), but she seemed to think it was weird that I wanted toilet paper.

I repeated that the roll was empty in my room, and she said, "Did you check the closet?" I looked at her like she was crazy and said, "No." Seriously - did I check the closet?? No, although I guess that is the first place I should always think to look for toilet paper when housekeeping steals my toilet paper. What kind of cruel joke is that? Like a sick treasure hunt?

Anyway, much to everyone's relief, I'm sure, I have toilet paper again. And I checked the closet, there is a spare roll in there, so I'll be ok the next time my toilet paper disappears.

Apple (not) picking

2006-10-08T19:50:00.000-07:00

Saturday was a gorgeous, sunny day in Minnesota. It was the one day for two weeks that I was going to be home, and since it was a lovely fall day, I had the great idea to go apple picking and enjoy the season. I managed to convince a friend to go along, against his better judgement, it turned out.

We went to a local apple orchard and it was like Disney World...all of the bad things from Disney World, that is. Long traffic lines, rude parents with strollers, screaming kids, kids and adults not paying attention to where they are going and running into you. You get the picture...they were crawling around all over the place. I have to agree with my friend - the best part of the orchard was the fenced in portion where the kids were riding John Deere tricycles...he pointed out that they were caged in.

Despite the crowds we had one prospect for happiness at this apple orchard...picking our own apples. We headed out to the trees, and soon realized that we would not be able to reap the fruits of our labor, so to speak. This is the sight we saw under every tree:

Some people apparently gave up:

Someone did pick an apple, but must not have thoroughly enjoyed it:

I did finally find an apple on a tree, but it didn't pass inspection:

But finally, we did find a couple that seemed OK:

Of course, they were teeny tiny and barely lasted 4 bites, but they were apples picked off of a tree. Not really as satisfying as we had hoped...but I guess we decided to take what we could get...and escaped before any little people slobbered on us.

Windmills!

2006-10-08T18:33:00.000-07:00

There seems to be a pattern...when you head to rural Minnesota and people find out you are going there, they all have suggestions for places to go and things to see. One friend recommended Alexandria and the Runestone Museum (and had some ideas for Morris, too, unfortunately I got them too late), and Boof told me that if I was going to Marshall I had to head down to see the wind turbines. Unfortunately he didn't know much more about them than they were on the way to Pipestone and they were sorta near Marshall. So I did my own research, and during a break of a few hours, I set out on a mission. Actually, first, I nourished myself with a stop at A&W for a hot dog, fries and root beer, and THEN I set out on a mission.

My research found that Lake Benton is the "Original Wind Power Capital of the Midwest." The chamber website claims: "We are conveniently located in southwest Minnesota on the crossroads of the nation, U.S. #75 (International Highway King of Trails) and U.S. #14 (Laura Ingall’s Wilder Historic Highway)."

The 45 minute trip was to consist of 2 roads...a north-south road and an east-west road. The rules of rural Minnesota. 1 road to get you anywhere. The East-West road is U.S. #14 - part of the crossroads of the nation. I'm a little puzzled - Alexandria, MN is the birthplace of America, Stillwater, MN is the birthplace of Minnesota, but the crossroads of the nation are in Lake Benton.

As I was approaching U.S. #14, I was just thinking about how I had basically only looked up directions to the town of Lake Benton - not to anything wind turbine-specific. But I figured, "How hard could they be to find?" My thoughts were shown to be correct, because the instant I turned West on U.S. #14 and looked up, I exclaimed out loud (yes, I was alone in my car), "WINDMILLS!"

This was the first sighting of windmills:

This was across the street, and I found it to be rather cool since it was an "old" windmill:

And then I approached the town of Tyler, one of the little towns just before Lake Benton. There was a cool turbine there that kinda reminded me of an airplane.

Actually, there were two of them, if you can see the second:

And then I got into Lake Benton. I drove up a dirt road to get closer to some of the turbines. They were really cool. It was a drive well-worth the time I could have spent chilling or napping in my hotel room!

Big Adventures in the "Birthplace of America"

2006-10-08T17:11:00.000-07:00

If Big Ole's shield says it's so, then it must be, right?

Yeah, somehow I still don't buy it, even after spending $6 to see the proof.

A friend told me that since I was going to be in Alex, I had to go visit the Kensington Runestone Museum...the story behind it basically being that the vikings were here in the 1300s, a bunch of them were murdered, the survivors wrote it down on a rock and fled...and this made Alex the birthplace of America (because obviously the vikings founded the US, I guess). The rock is at this museum, in all of it's glory.

So I checked into my hotel around 1 or 2 in the afternoon, and went to the hotel's front desk and asked for directions to the museum. "The viking museum?" I think, "Is there more than 1 museum in this town???" But just say, "Yes." She says, "Turn left out of the hotel and go straight. You'll see it." (That's the basics of nearly all directions in rural Minnesota - take the only road until you get there.)

Sure enough, I came across Big Ole, who guards the parking lot for the Runestone Museum. Much to my relief, it was open...according to this sign:

The sign was especially funny because it was almost right outside the entrance to the museum, so if you couldn't find it without the assistance of the sign, you really didn't deserve to visit the museum.

I go inside and the chamber of commerce is also housed in the lobby of the museum, to the left as I walk in. Immediately, a woman dashes over to me from the chamber to ask if she can help me. I said, "I just want to see the museum." She said, "OK - you have to go over there to the gift shop." She points to a little glass-enclosed gift shop, and to a frantically waving and smiling lady, who calls me over. I walk into the little glass room and pay my $6 to see this museum. $6!!! The Smithsonian is free!!

The money-taker then says, "Oh, you'll have to start at the end, there is a woman's group meeting in the museum right now and they are right by the runestone...but they'll be done soon. So I'll take you the back way to the outside portion and then you can work backwards. Is that OK??" I agree to go through the museum backwards, and she takes me the back way to outside...through offices and changing rooms and a storage area - wow. A real behind the scenes tour of the Kensington Runestone Museum. It was....ummm...amazing?

I go outside and look at a bunch of fake "old" buildings at Fort Alexandria. But the cool thing was this caboose. I even got to go into it!!

Then I went in this big building with a replica scaled down viking ship. And tractors. And out board motors. I found that to be hiliarious. It sounds like the start to a bad joke: What do you get when you put a viking ship, a John Deere tractor and an outboard motor in a building? No, I don't know.

It was right after the outboard motors that I saw the hidden gem of the building and the museum. Santa's Sleigh. Yes, Santa's Sleigh is at the Kensington Runestone Museum in Alexandria, MN. They stole Santa's sleigh. It's not actually labeled as Santa's sleigh, but I think it's pretty obvious this is a cover-up. Alexandria may be the birthplace of America, but it's the deathbed of Christmas, apparently, as well.

This sign was on the door to the viking ship/tractor/outboard motor building. I didn't know what to think of it, so I just took a picture - which caused stares from the old couple that was walking into the potpourri building.

And as I walked around outside, I noticed that there was a civil warish-era cannon pointed at the viking ship and tractors...rather violent, I thought. I also suspected that there really weren't cannons like this in the days of the vikings ships...possibly in the days of John Deere tractors - but aren't people rather defenseless when they are riding tractors??

Then I finally got to go back inside. I took this picture just because it was funny to take a picture of a camera with a camera:

And then I saw IT. The Kensington Runestone in all of it's glory.

I know, it just leaves you speechless, doesn't it? And imagine, I was physically in the presence of the "document" that makes Alexandria the birthplace of America.

And then there was the video portion of the exhibit - where you get the history and all of that good stuff. Apparently, it is designed to be a romantic film, because there are only 2 seats in the entire room:

All in all, I have to say that I did have fun at the Kensington Runestone Museum. My $6 bought me 45 minutes of fun. And entertainment at watching a bunch of 50+ year old women in velvet pants suits conclude their meeting in the shadow of the Kensington Runestone. I wonder if that's how the invitations to the meeting read, "The next meeting of the Velvet Pants Suit Club will be held in the shadow of the Kensington Runestone, located in the Birthplace of America."

Happy Anniversary To Me!

2006-10-03T19:11:00.000-07:00

As I was scrolling down my blog page, I happened to glance at my archive area and realized that my first month on there was October, 2005. So I clicked on it to see when my first www.notthecheat.blogspot.com entry was, and it turns out - exactly one year ago, today! How exciting. And I am spending this momentous occassion alone in a hotel in Morris, MN. How could that possible be happening?

Since this is my first anniversary, I will be accepting the traditional gifts of paper...including cash and checks.

I thank all of my faithful 6 readers for crying, laughing and sharing along side me this year. I think I'm going to cry. **tear** OK, moment's over!!!

Funny Stuff...

2006-10-03T19:08:00.000-07:00

Here's a plug for Bill Simmons on ESPN.com. This guy's funny. He's doing a running commentary of all of the baseball playoff games...something I wish I had the time to do. It's absolutely hilarious....and so dead on. Twins - As, and then link into the Cards-Padres, and Yankees-Tigers - when it's available.

This is going to be for extensive reading every day to keep up. I think I can handle the challenge for the next month.

Warning, Will Rogers...

2006-10-03T19:00:00.000-07:00

Since it's October...it's playoff baseball. Which I LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. LOVE.

But I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE Fox's coverage of playoff baseball. Well, of any sports. Especially when Joe Buck and Tim McCarver are involved. It's like Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumber.

Here's the warning though - if Scooter makes an appearance to teach us all about a slider and a curve ball, I'm going to turn him into a screw ball. And I DON'T mean it in the nicest way possible!

A Romp in Rural MN

2006-10-03T15:54:00.000-07:00

This week I am on a work road trip that takes me to 6 different rural Minnesota locations in 5 days and 4 nights.

St. Joseph
Alexandria
Brainerd
Morris
Marshall
Willmar

In that order.

Tonight, night #2, I am resting my weary head in site #4 - Morris. But let's back up and discuss how I arrived at my present locale.

Yesterday morning I set out at about 6:15am CT for lovely St. Joseph, just west of St. Cloud (I calculate that 86.5% of Minnesota cities, colleges and universities have "St." in their names - I believe that they think it is a title not to be reserved for religious figures any longer.). I arrived, I conquered, I inspired (eh, Boof??) and I departed town nearly a half hour early, at approximately 11:05. Destination: Alexandria aka Alex aka Alec.

I have been greatly anticipating this visit to Alex due to a history lesson given to a couple of us by a friend - Alexandria is the birthplace of America. However, due to the fact that I have not loaded the pictures that prove this onto a computer yet, that is a blog post to be written later, and you shall all await that story with baited breath. Trust me, it's worth waiting for.

So I arrived in Alex a little after noon, checked into my "fancy" hotel, and went on my history quest.

That took about 45 minutes. So I then stopped at Culvers (yum-a butterburger and a cement mixer - and on my employer's dime - can you beat that??), and returned to my casa del noche to relax until I had to inspire others for two hours, before returning to my room to watch Studio 60. That show is getting better and better.

This morning I loaded up the rental car and departed at 6am once again for lovely Brainerd. I arrived, I conquered, I inspired and I departed on time. I then decided to head for Morris, since that was where my next temporary residence awaited me...although I was in no real rush since I just had to be there before dark since my work commitments don't begin here until tomorrow morning. And it's a good thing I wasn't in a rush...because I fell victim to my ignorance of rural roads. Yes, I missed a turn. But it didn't hurt me too badly, time-wise - maybe only about 10 or 15 minutes. But I gained in sight-seeing. Instead of taking the direct route back across a larger (and by larger I mean, well, it's maintained enough to see the lines painted on it and it appears on all maps) road, I took a different county road across. For those of you familiar with this portion of MN...CR 17 from Rice to Sauk Centre. At which point I would rejoin my Rand McNally directions printed from the internet, and would be on the road that would, some 50 miles later, ultimately hold the driveway to my hotel parking lot.

CR 17 was AMAZINGLY rural...I mean, I thought I grew up in a rural area - Pine Plains aka Pine Box, NY. Technically, our house was in Gallatin, which was in Columbia County, which was so small that it was in a different county than my school in Pine Box (Dutchess Co.), our telephone exchange in Pine Plains (Dutchess once again) and our mailing address of Red Hook (also Dutchess Co.) - and yes, our mail was delivered right to our house despite being farther away mileage-wise than the Pine Box post office...I actually didn't realize how confusing all of that was until I was in college. It gets better, the fire department was also in a different town and county, etc, etc. It's rather comical, actually. However, I don't know if I saw a traffic light for HOURS.

But it was amazingly beautiful. First of all, it's fall up here, and the leaves are red, orange, yellow, etc. It's gorgeous. And they provide the back-drop for gorgeous old barns and silos. Is there a more picturesque or calender-ready drive? There really isn't.

And then I got to the tiny town of Starbuck, MN - just 18 miles from my ultimate destination. To quote the Chamber of Commerce website, this little town with a population of 1,314 is "a great place to visit and a better place to live" if you like to live hours from a mall. (I prefer not to, but to each his or her own!) As I entered town, I was hungry. I had intended to eat nearly 40 miled prior to Starbuck in Sauk Centre...but that town consisted of some sort of mill or assembly plant, a riding center, a McDonalds and a gas station. Pass, please. A billboard at the "city" limits advertised Dave's Doo Wop Coffee Shop that had gourmet coffee, pizza and videos - and I knew I had to stop.

I went through an intersection, and vowed to turn around if the speed limit increased from 30 MPH because I would know that I had gone too far. No sooner did I have that thought than I saw the 55 MPH sign. I turned around and hung a right at the intersection to head to downtown Starbuck. And I saw a caboose, one of only 10 built in 1909, on display at the Historic Depot, where "on July 1 [1983], the World's Largest Lefse was created on the depot grounds in celebration of Starbuck's Centennial." There's a giant mural on the depot commemorating it.

I then went to Dave's Place and had a magnificent chicken alfredo pizza with tomato, and watched the 8th & 9th innings of the Twins-A's Game 1 playoff game with Dave. A great pizza, a great guy, and a TV on top of the soda cooler.

For the record, Dave's Place rents VHS, serves pizza and sandwiches, has a juke box, gourmet coffee and scones, cool pictures all over the walls, bottles of soda and a bottle opened installed in the counter over a garbage can, and apparently, according to the outside sign, offers film processing, as well. It was awesome, and one of the best lunches I have ever had. And all of Dave's tips go into a fund to helps children in some far-off country. I loved that place, and town.

And now I'm in Morris, where I will attempt to find the bar for which I have a coupon that came in the little envelope with my hotel "key" for a free beer. Gotta love rural Minnesota.

Define "Every Budget"

2006-09-28T07:53:00.004-07:00

US Weekly has a fashion bit in a recent issue entitled "Fall Blouses for Every Budget." Let's just run down the list of prices for the 12 examples in the issue, in the order in which they appear, and you determine the accuracy of this title:

$1,225
$198
$349
$240
$49
$225
$360
$310
$695
$174
$25
$198
$198
$295
$800

13 pairs of Starbury Ones, size 9, please.

2006-09-28T06:45:00.000-07:00

Buy a pair of Stephon Marbury's $15 basketball sneakers (or more specifically, $14.98, I guess), the Starbury One, and you contribute to world peace, solving our nation's poverty problem and the continued effort of "cool" people to force "not-so-cool" people to wear really ugly stuff in attempt to get more people to laugh at them.

First of all, have you seen these things? There's a reason why they are $15...because you would be INSANE to spend more on them. They are ugly, ugly, ugly, ugly. And when you get done with that, they are still UGLY.

Case in point:

Marbury's intentions are good...provide a low-price sneaker to people who can't afford the $200 Air Jordans, etc, etc. He says he's going to wear them on the NBA court this season. I'm willing to be that he's going to do something like what tennis players have done for years with tennis racquets. If a player was endorsed by, oh, let's say Head racquets...but couldn't stand parting with their Prince racquet, then they would get a Prince racquet painted up to look like a Head racquet, all the way down to the Head logo stenciled on the strings. Don't be surprised if we hear reports of Marbury getting Jordans, minus all of the stitching and shape and form, and adding stupid random coloring.

Back to the good intentions. Marbury said, "Two hundred to buy pair of sneakers, that's groceries for the week." Yes, that's true. So a kid can now buy a pair of $15 sneakers and 6 days worth of groceries. But here's the scenario that I think will play out. The lower income families will be able to buy the NBA star's sneakers...so lots of little kids that ran around in generic sneakers before will now be able to buy the Starbury Ones. That is very cool. But the kids that can afford the $200 Jordans will ALSO want the $15 Starbury Ones. They will, however, now have enough money to purchase 13 pairs of Starbury Ones and still have $5 left over to purchase coordinating laces.

The $200 sneaker kids will start a trend where they are basically always wearing a shiny new pair of Starbury Ones...similar to how Nelly trades out his Air Force Ones every day for a new pair. The kids who can only afford one pair of the $15 Starbury Ones will then be wearing worn-in sneakers while their former-Air Jordan-pals have a rotating shoe rack.

I'm really only this cynical on Thursdays. Really.

"Pop" Nation, Redefined

2006-09-25T09:33:00.000-07:00

I went to the grocery store this weekend to pick up some unhealthy carbonated beverages, and was slightly overwhelmed by the options that awaited me in the “Pop” aisle.

Back in the day, it used to be the basics:
Coke
Caffeine-Free Coke
Diet Coke
Mountain Dew
Some type of root beer
Orange Soda
Sprite
7-UP
Pepsi
Caffeine-Free Pepsi
Diet Pepsi
Ginger Ale
Lemonade
Nestea

Now it consists (partially) of:
Coke
Coke II
Caffeine-Free Coke
Cherry Coke
Lime Coke
Diet Coke
Diet Caffeine-Free Coke
Diet Cherry Coke
Diet Lime Coke
Diet Lemon Coke
Cherry-Vanilla Coke
Diet Cherry-Vanilla Coke
Coca-Cola Zero
Raspberry Coke
Mountain Dew
Mountain Dew LiveWire
Mountain Dew Code Red
Diet Mountain Dew Code Red
Diet Mountain Dew
Orange Crush
Grape Crush
Strawberry Crush
Pineapple Crush
Berry Crush
Dr. Pepper
Diet Dr. Pepper
Cherry & Vanilla Dr. Pepper
Diet Cherry & Vanilla Dr. Pepper
Berries & Cream Dr. Pepper
Diet Berries & Cream Dr. Pepper
Orange Fanta
Grape Fanta
Pineapple Fanta
Strawberry Fanta
Apple Fanta
Citrus Fanta
Black Cherry Fanta
Peach Fanta
Fresca
Diet Fresca
Berry Fresca
Diet Berry Fresca
Minute Maid Lemonade
Minute Maid Pink Lemonade
Minute Maid Orange Lemonade
Minute Maid Raspberry Lemonade
Nestea
Lemon Nestea
Orange Nestea
Unsweetened Nestea
Unsweetened Lemon Nestea
A&W Root Beer
Diet A&W Root Beer
A&W Cream Soda
Diet A&W Cream Soda
Barq’s Root Beer
Diet Barq’s Root Beer
Barq’s Cream Soda
Diet Barq’s Cream Soda
Mug Root Beer
Mug Cream Soda
Diet Mug Root Beer
Diet Mug Cream Soda
Sierra Mist
Diet Sierra Mist
Lipton Brisk
Diet Lipton Brisk
Unsweetend Lipton Brisk
Lemon Lipton Brisk
Raspberry Lipton Brisk
Orange Tropicana Twister
Diet Orange Tropicana Twister
Grape Tropicana Twister
Strawberry Tropicana Twister
Canada Dry Ginger Ale
Raspberry Canada Dry Gnger Ale
Orange Canada Dry Ginger Ale
Diet Canada Dry Ginger Ale
Diet Raspberry Canada Dry Ginger Ale
Schweppe’s Ginger Ale
Raspberry Schweppe’s Gnger Ale
Orange Schweppe’s Ginger Ale
Diet Schweppe’s Ginger Ale
Diet Raspberry Schweppe’s Ginger Ale
Sprite
Diet Sprite
7-UP
Diet 7-Up
Pepsi
Caffeine-Free Pepsi
Diet Pepsi
Pepsi Lime
Diet Pepsi Lime
Diet Pepsi Black Cherry French Vanilla
Diet Pepsi Strawberries & Cream
Diet Pepsi
Pepsi Twist
Diet Pepsi Twist
Pepsi Vanilla
Diet Pepsi Vanilla
Wild Cherry Pepsi
Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi
Pepsi One
Vault
Vault Zero

And that’s not even all of them. How is a person supposed to decide??? I make kick the caffeine/carbonation habit just because I’m afraid to walk down that aisle of the grocery store now!

Here fishy, fishy, fishy...Part Deux

2006-09-25T07:09:00.000-07:00

Here is the update on my friend's fish...once again, too precious not to share:

I got the latest fish last Thursday. The fish food canister says to feed several times daily. The store directions say to feed once every 1-2 days. I've tried feeding my fish twice since Thursday, and he hasn't eaten a thing. I've had to scoop out the nasty soggy uneaten fish pellet. He burbs a lot, as evident from the millions of little air bubbles floating on the top of the water.

And he's crazy. He swims around his little bowl with more ferver than a fish should. It seems as though he's being chased by an invisibile shark that wants to eat him. He is always in his threatened/offensive posture. I do not mind this, because it involves enlarging his fins to appear bigger than he really is, and it makes him look pretty.

However, you'll recall I said that he is red. (Bloggers, you may not recall that - but I was aware of that, name suggestions were being solicited based on this new fish being red.) Well, sometimes being colorblind really stinks. A friend informed me, upon meeting the newly-named Tabasco, that he was in fact mostly purple, with only a little bit of red. So I'm back to the drawing board on names.

Rainy Friday

2006-09-22T13:59:00.000-07:00

There are fewer things to make you feel more "blah" and disinterested in doing anything other than curling up with a comforter, making a pot of spaghetti, grabbing a glass of wine and watching a funny movie than a rainy Friday.

The only thing that makes you feel more like that is a cold rainy Friday at the end of a cold rainy week. I'm beginning to feel like I live in Seattle. At least they have flying fish and coffee. All I have in Minnesota is beer and...oh, wait...I have beer...

Coffee Cup Pacifier

2006-09-22T08:30:00.000-07:00

I came across one of the greatest inventions, ever, this morning.

Have you ever bought a cup of coffee with a top like this:

And had the coffee spill out of that little hole when you put it in your cup holder in your car as you wait for it to cool to the point that you can physically drink it without harming yourself or others with your piercing screams?

Well, there were a bunch of these little things sitting in a cup on the counter at the coffee shop:

It’s basically a pacifier for your coffee cup – preventing spillage and allowing your coffee to cool to a drinkable temperature in a peaceful manner!

It’s the greatest thing in the world. I had to take pictures with my cell phone because I thought it to be unreasonable to save the cup and the pacifier until I got home and could use my digital camera.

AL Division Championship Speech

2006-09-21T12:50:00.000-07:00

I'm glad that A Rod got a chance to use his victory speech.

Go Yankees!

Here fishy,fishy, fishy...

2006-09-21T07:28:00.000-07:00

This is an actual email that I received from a friend today, word for word, no editing ...did I tell you earlier that today was going to be a good day or what???

On Tuesday I bought a fish. He was blue, shiny, and had amazing fins. I got the notion in my head after visiting a friend who had one, and claimed taking care of it was a breeze. So on Monday I bought a glass vase, some pretty glass pebbles (clear and aqua), and filled it up with water. I put the chemical in it that makes the fish's fins stronger and healthier. And on Tuesday I bought a fish.

I brought him home. I put him in his new home (much nicer than the tiny, plastic tupperware thing that the chain pet store had him in). I fed him some pellets. I even settled on a name, Bluey. I went to bed proud of myself: I created a home and an entire ecosystem, and had total reign over it. On Wednesday morning Bluey was fine.

When I got home from work on Wednesday, Bluey was, well, not fine. Not dead. But seemingly passed out drunk at the bottom of the bowl. Glass pebbles can't be a comfortable place to rest, even if you're a fish. When I moved the bowl, he'd eventually swim to the top. But he immediately swam (sank...) back to the bottom. Sometimes he'd lie on the bottom. Othertimes he'd have his head pointed down, and his fin pointed towards to the top of the bowl. Not healthy fish behavior. Sigh. Bluey was broken. My experiment in playing God was quickly failing.

I took Bluey back to the store. They said my water tested normal. They put Bluey in his own little tank, and gave me a voucher for a new fish (I've successfully convinced myself that they didn't flush him the second my back was turned). I picked out a new fish: shimmery and red. Even more amazing fins than Bluey. The fins look like a giant draq-queen-esque costume. I replaced the Bluey-tainted water with fresh spring water, and now my new fish has a great new home.

Shuttle Excitement

2006-09-21T03:28:00.000-07:00

I got up this morning and watched the shuttle land at about 5:20am CT. It is never not exciting to watch! I've been watching shuttle launches and landings since I was a little kid...and it's amazing every time.

The guy who does the countdown to take-off and the guy that commentates the landing "Landing gear down. Touch down. Parachute deployed. Nose gear down. Welcome home, Atlantis." at mission control, or wherever they are, have the best jobs. I'm sure they have a script, so it's not like they have to memorize all of that. They get to be on national TV with everyone hooked on every word. I wonder what kind of training those guys have to have. And I also wonder if a woman has ever done it. I don't think I have ever heard a woman do that job.

That's a great way to start a Thursday - watching the shuttle land. It's going to be a good day!

Spinach...

2006-09-20T20:54:00.000-07:00

Does anyone else realize that this recent health scare about e-coli is proving all 4-8 year olds right? Spinach IS bad for your health.

And to add to that, so are brussel sprouts, and beets, and...

Confession...

2006-09-18T20:03:00.000-07:00

I thought I was done with blogging today. I have certainly said enough for a week in just these however many hours I have been awake. But I do have a confession to make.

I finished watching "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip" because I was already halfway through it when I made the declaration that it sucked. Which meant that I had already missed the first half of an hour of any other show I tried to watch and would be completely lost. So I finished watching it.

AND I LIKE IT, OK??? I DO. I REALLY LIKE IT. I CAN'T HELP IT. IT GOT GOOD IN THE LAST HALF HOUR. dammit.

Stripped...uh...I mean "ripped"...from the headlines...

2006-09-18T18:28:00.000-07:00

These headlines were all on today's internet news. No joke. You can't make these headlines up out of thin air. They have to come from somewhere. What a great Monday.

* "Cops Stop Willie Nelson's Bus. See What They Discovered Inside." (Well, that's what AOL's headline is, but I can only link to MSNBC for the story because you need a password for AOL.) I don't know, guess what they found inside. You get as many guesses as you want, but I'm only counting one and I'm not telling you which one.

* "'Walking' Shark Found" "Walking?" Have you seen the video of this thing? It doesn't walk. It is a low-swimming, bottom-feeding fish whose flippers hit the sea floor as it scuttles along the sand. Walking shark, right. Like something like that really exists.

* "Mexican Meth Fills Gap in U.S. Market" Another example of out-sourcing since all of the home-grown plants in our country got shut down. (Tongue in cheek, thank you very much. Sarcasm, etc., etc. No angry emails, please.)

* "Autopsy: [Anna Nicole] Smith's Son on Antidepressants" As sad as the whole story is - I have to say "Ummmmm...I wonder why??"

* "Janet Jackson's Breasts Are Back" Where did they go?? I have absolutely no idea what this story is about because I'm not going to bother to read it. And nor do I want to know what it's about.

* "Is pump price drop tied to Nov. elections?" Ummm...no freaking sh**. That's all I have to say. Other than at the beginning of September in a "blue" state, the price of gas was near $3. Today, at the expensive stations near work - $2.19. Hmmm. You look at the date. I bet it's under $2 by middle October. And you can sure bet I'll be filling up. And then NOT voting Republican.

* "Rose never expected ‘I’m sorry’ balls to be sold" Of course he didn't. What guy does?? Once again, I have absolutely no idea what this story is about - other than it's about Pete Rose. And frankly, I really don't want to know because my imagination is better than any story I could read to go along with that headline. This is a prime example of headlines not being read twice before it is put up. Ooops...bad pun!! Yet I have read it way more than twice, that's for sure! And I have to admit that yes, I am just THAT immature. And I think that is the perfect headline on which I shall end.

In a completely separate note, I'm watching the WAY over-hyped "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip" and it is horrible. Although it does seem to have half of the people (whether regular cast or special guests) from "West Wing" - but they had better writing on "West Wing." I have no freaking clue what is going on, and that's not because I'm not paying attention..and surprise, surprise - Matthew Perry is playing a character hopped up on drugs. Hmmm. Role play much?

School for Scoundrels

2006-09-18T17:48:00.000-07:00

I just saw the trailer for this movie as an ad on TV, and all I have to say is that I wanna go see it ASAP!! Anyone else in??

Pick a packet

2006-09-18T09:43:00.000-07:00

Today I was having a conversation with The Mom, and she told me that she recently cleaned out an "everything" drawer in her kitchen where she stored the extra little condiment packets that she had from meals. You know, the duck sauce, soy sauce, ketchup, etc. Apparently The Mom tallied up her collection and she had 47 duck sauce, 1 McDonald's sweet and sour sauce and 85 soy sauce packets. 85 SOY SAUCE PACKETS!! And 28 packets of the stuff you get with cut flowers that you are supposed to put in the water to preserve the flowers. Apparently, this stuff evaporates and disintigrates within the plastic packaging because The Mom said that the contents of many of her condiment packages had turned to goo or disappeared. So she just threw them all away and is going to restart her collection.

The funny thing is that just this weekend, I realized that I, too, was starting a condiment collection in my little drawer. I have buffalo sauce from McDonalds, stuff from Papa Johns, plasticwater packages from Outback, chopsticks...plus the obligatory soy sauce and duck sauce.

Why do we collect these things? I mean, it's obvious that they give us more than we need everytime we get take-out...so we're not saving them just in case we need extra next time. Are we that afraid that our next meal is going to be ruined by an hourly worker who forgets to give us seasoning? If that happens, I do have my own bottle of soy sauce, just in case...

Or are we thinking that maybe one day we will cook something on our own that will be perfected by a 1/2 ounce packet of liquid seasoning from a local chain restaurant?

This made me think back about those little packets of flower preservatives. The Mom never puts them in the flowers. She hasn't for as long as I can remember bringing flowers home to her. At the places where you grab the packets yourself (they don't come pre-wrapped with the flowers), I used to always grab one or two packets and throw them inside the tissue paper, just so that The Mom would have to take them out of the wrapping and find something to do with them. Apparently, they all just went into The Drawer of Little Packets. Her excuse is that she always thought she would use them for another set of flowers. But here comes my previous point - you're going to get another packet of flower preservatives with the flowers you decide you do want to elongate the life of, anyway - right?

Now I have to look through my own little The Drawer of Little Packets. I wonder if The Little Packets have expiration dates on them??

Making the connection...

2006-09-17T21:14:00.000-07:00

Since I live in Minnesota and everyone here has to have a connection to everything going on, I have my own connection to the spinach e-coli sickness that is going around.

Last weekend, just about the time that packaged spinach started killing and illing (is that a word??), I had to make a salad for a dinner at a friend's house. I went to the St. Paul Farmer's Market and bought some fresh spinach for the salad. I was kinda thinking that it didn't really look like spinach you get in the store and I suspected that it was some strange leafy veggie that translates to "spinach" from it's native language but really has to be cooked or something in order to be edible. I ate a couple of leafs and wasn't completely sold that it was what I wanted.

I went to the grocery store to get a couple of things and I went to the produce aisle to look at the bagged spinach and decide if I should get that instead. I stood there for a minute, and then decided to just deal with what I had and if it was gross, then it was gross.

So there you have it...I almost bought a bag of spinach that may or may not have come from an e-coli contaminated packaging plant and may or may not have made my friends and me sick. There's your connection (to rip off the guy from Blue Collar Comedy Tour with "There's your sign...").